Yours Fun Portal !
Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was
out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan yelled
out, “Women and children first!”
Bush then cried, “Screw the women!”
To which, Clinton responded, “Do you think we have time?”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, ‘I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.’
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ‘I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.’
‘Why not,’ giggles the woman.
‘Good,’ he replies. ‘Get your own damn blanket.’
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????Answer- The one with the dirty knees….
Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods? A: I’ll never do that for two bucks again.
alright there were 3 men they were all asked the same question the question was if you weregoing to the desert what would you take?
The first man said “i would take some food then i could survive”
The second man said “i would take some water to survive the thrust”
the thrid man said “i would take a car door.
When i get hot i can open the window”
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998
‘Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!”
“From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!”
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him “The Jerk.”
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By “Wagging The Dog,” up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
“Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.”
Even paranoids have enemies.
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said.
“Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply.
“And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did.� You’re back at work on Monday.
What do trees drink at parties?
Root Beer.
What does the Pillsburry dough boy see when he bends over?
Dough Nuts
A carpet layer had just finished a wall-to-wall installation.
When he arose from his labor for a smoke, he realized that his
pack of cigarettes was missing from his shirt pocket. Seeing a
small bulge under the center of the new carpet, he thought “No
sense in pulling up the whole rug to get the pack” and proceeded
to flatten the lump with his hammer.
As he was cleaning up, the lady of the house walked in. “Here
are your cigarettes. I found them in the hallway. Now if I could
only find my hamster.”