You know you’re in Sydney, Australia, when…� Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.� You earn over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.� You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.� You can’t remember… is dope illegal?� You’ve been to more than one baby shower (wetting the baby’s head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.� You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.� A great parking space can move you to tears.� Your child’s Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.� You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, ‘Pedestrians give way to traffic’.� You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or a ‘building your own website’ class.� You get used to the fact that drivers have never heard of the road code and start running red lights, not bothering to indicate lane changes and never, ever, giving way to anyone else – especially if the other has the right of way.� A man walks down the main street in full leather regalia and crotchless pants. Nobody takes any notice.� You keep a list of companies to boycott.� Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.
Author: admin
Chocolate
How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip
cookies?
Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M’s.
What Men Say … What Men Mean
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
“Woman driver.”
Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
“Good idea.”
Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
“Have you lost weight?”
Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“I got a lot done.”
Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means…. “Are you still talking?”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”
“You expect too much of me.”
Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”
“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“Will you marry me?”
Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“I do help around the house.”
Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I brought you a present.”
Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
“I missed you.”
Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”
“I recycle.”
Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
“It’s good beer.”
Really means…. “It was on sale.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means….”I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means….”If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means….”Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
“I broke up with her.”
Really means…. “She dumped me.”
Jackson & broccoli
Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.
Cold Hands
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain “Man! My hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.”
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?”
Yo momma so fat
Your momma so fat she asked for a water bed and they threw a blanket over the pacific ocean
cuban
What is the Cubans national anthem
Row row row youre boat
The worst golf player
The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.
Un mexicano est� tranquilamente tomando
Un mexicano est� tranquilamente tomando su desayuno, cuando un t�pico estadounidense, mascando chicle, se sienta a su lado. El mexicano ignora al yanqui, y el americano no muy contento con eso, trata de hacerle conversaci�n preguntando:
“‘Excuse me’, �ustedes se comen todo el pan?”
“Por supuesto”, contesta el mexicano.
“Nosotros no, s�lo comemos la migaja de adentro del pan y la parte de afuera la ponemos en un ‘container’, la reciclamos, la transformamos en harina y la exportamos a M�xico”.
El mexicano escucha en silencio, imperturbable. El americano sigue mascando chicle e insiste:
�Ustedes se comen la mermelada con el pan?”
“Por supuesto”, contesta el mexicano.
“Nosotros no. Nosotros en el desayuno comemos fruta fresca, la c�scara y las semillas, las ponemos en otro ‘container’, las reciclamos, la transformamos en mermelada y la exportamos a M�xico”.
El mexicano, ya un poco alterado, le pregunta:
“Y ustedes, �qu� hacen con los condones despu�s de usarlos?”
“Los tiramos a la basura, ‘of course'”.
“Nosotros no, despu�s de usarlos los ponemos en un contenedor. Los reciclamos; los transformamos en chicles y los exportamos a los Estados Unidos”.
clean joke
one day a blond burnet and a red head were walking and they saw
a cop and the saw patato bags they hid in them and the cop
kicked the bag with red head in it it didnt say anything he
kicked the bag with the burnet in it it didnt say anything then
he kicked th bag with the blond head in it and it said patatos
Another clever one …..
There was an Indian, a Pakistani and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a
carriage in a train going through Tasmania, Australia. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the
sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia
Schiffer and the Pakistani were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Indian had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Indian
was thinking: “The Pakistani must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed
him and slapped me instead.”
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The Indian must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Pakistani and got slapped for it.”
The Pakistani was thinking: “This is great! The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that Indian dumb-ass
again.”
To corrupt the other side
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.