Yours Fun Portal !
All the traffic is tied up all over LA and the man got out of his car to try to find out why he wasn’t moving…its OJ again he was told�. he is sitting in the middle of the highway and threatening to set himself on fire because he says he can’t afford to pay all that money he was ordered to pay.
Well what is being done about it the man asked ..to which the other man replied we are taking up a collection….how much do you have he asked.
I’ve got 3 gallons the other man replied.
Una rubia estaba harta de o�r bromas sobre rubias est�pidas, as� que decidi� te�irse el cabello de negro y salir a probarle al mundo lo equivocado que estaban.
Manej� fuera de la ciudad hasta un sitio en el campo con muchas granjas de ovejas. Vio a un granjero al lado del camino, detuvo su auto y dijo, “Si le digo exactamente cu�ntas ovejas hay en su reba�o, �me dar�a una?”
“S�, si puede decirme eso, claro que le regalo una oveja”.
“Ella dijo de inmediato: “131”.
“�Exacto! Puede tomar su oveja”.
La rubia fue y tom� su oveja.
Entonces el granjero dijo, “Si puedo decirle de qu� color es realmente su cabello �me regresar�a mi oveja?”
“S�”.
“Rubio. Ahora regr�seme mi perro”.
Q: What did the computer programmer say to the prostitute?
A: Do ya mind if I give you some extra Ram?
The day before Thanksgiving, this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to the wife, “You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits.”
She wasn’t about to be out-done and said, “Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard.”
Well the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches & bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats.
The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way. The next morning they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said SHIT! Well once again the boy started asking questions and asked what shit was. The father told him that is was shaving cream.
The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs where his mom was stuffing turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife she said FUCK! The boy once again asked what fuck was. She told him that it was stuffing.
About that time the door bell rang. When the little boy went to answer the door it was his grandparents.
Upon opening the door the little boy said, “HI BITCHES AND BASTARDS. LET ME TAKE YOUR CROOKED DICKS AND FLOPPY TITS FOR YOU. DAD’S UPSTAIRS PUTTING SHIT ON HIS FACE AND MOM’S IN THE KITCHEN FUCKING THE TURKEY.”
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 “Mystery Chefs” to interrupt and tell us he’s doing it all wrong.
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
-Toys for Twats.
During World War I, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed
his absolute certainty of victory. “Franz,” he said, “we Germans are
pious people who pray to God on the eve of each battle. How can we
lose?”
Franz said, “I know that, Dietrich, but the Russians are pious,
too. They pray to God before each battle also.”
Dietrich said, “Of course. But who understands Russian?”
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors
buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,
buy a dog.
But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
Then ………….
Buy a cat.
(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.”Well,” said the other brother, “You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
None of the kids that live in your house…
A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, “Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!”
His father says, “That is very good let’s see how your other brothers do.”
About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, “Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck.”
The old man replies, “So far you have done the best, but let’s wait and see what your little brother does.”
While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen before, so he told her, “I’ll give you this duck for a fuck.”
She replied, “Ok.”
When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, “You get your ass back in that bar and get that duck back!”
So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, “I’ll give you a fuck for that duck.” She agreed and while they were fucking the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck.
The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, “$20 would do nicely.”
“No problem,” said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, “I won! I won! I got a fuck for a duck a duck for a fuck and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.