During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor, Van, about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.I told him that my Father and grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.”That’s it?” said my exasperated neighbor. “What if your Father and grandfather had been horse thieves?””Well…” I replied, “I suppose then I’d be a Democrat like you.”
Author: admin
Sea world
Yo mamas so fat she had to get baptised at sea world!
Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?…
Why can’t Hellen Keller drive?
She’s a woman.
Smart CEO
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Un joven, egresado de una
Un joven, egresado de una de las universidades m�s prestigiosas del pa�s, va a pedir trabajo a una empresa internacional y, con su t�pico tono de voz pedante, se presenta ante el gerente de personal:
“Disculpe… Vengo a pedir empleo”.
“Muy bien, �me puedes decir que curr�culum o experiencia laboral tienes?”
“Pues ver�s, todav�a no he trabajado porque soy reci�n egresado de la carrera de ingenier�a en sistemas, en la mejor universidad, por supuesto, �no? Hablo 100% English y algo de Fran�ais y Japanese. Hice el servicio social en la Presidencia de la Rep�blica junto con el sobrino del Presidente. Fui el segundo mejor promedio con 9.973. Hice un intercambio acad�mico al MIT de Boston. Actualmente, vivo en Las Lomas y mi hermano es director general de una importante compa��a. Adem�s, cuento con disponibilidad para viajar por todo el mundo. Mi pap� es master en finanzas corporativas y es miembro consultor de una empresa de las Fortune 500.
El gerente de personal, sin inmutarse, prosigue con la entrevista:
“�En qu� �rea piensas desarrollarte en esta empresa?”
“Pssss, en la Direcci�n de Sistemas o en alguna gerencia, �no?”
“�Y que pedir�as por tus servicios?”
“Pues, para comenzar, una oficina privada con vista a la ciudad y dos secretarias; 10 mil pesos por semana, libres de impuestos; una supercomputadora, (con Internet, por supuesto); lugar de estacionamiento y un autom�vil de la empresa… pero que tenga clima, un buen est�reo y bocinas, �qu� te parece?”
“�Muy bien!”
En ese momento, el empleador se queda pensando un minuto y le sugiere:
“Bueno, te vamos a proponer lo siguiente: un puesto en la Direcci�n de Sistemas con 10 personas a tu cargo y tres secretarias (para ti solo, por supuesto); tambi�n tendr�s una oficina privada en el piso 27 del edificio con vista a la ciudad; un lugar para estacionarte al lado de los dem�s directores; te vamos a ofrecer 10 mil pesos pero diarios, libres de polvo y paja; un bono anual de 15 mil d�lares por productividad, una computadora port�til, dos meses de vacaciones por a�o; gastos m�dicos mayores y, adem�s, un Mercedes Benz rojo con todo y su chofer, �te parece?”
“H�jole, la verdad, �es mucho! �Est�s bromeando?”
“�Pues si t� empezaste, cabr�n!”
Any technology distinguishable from magic
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Real sad
Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Bad gas
A old lady went to the Doctor and said “I have a problem, can you help me out ?
The Dr. asked “What is the problem with you ?”
The old lady said “I have gas real bad I have passed gas at least 10 times out in the waiting room, but it has no smell or sound what could be the problem ?
The Dr. gave her something and sent her home.
The next day she came back and said “It didn’t help, and now smells really bad now.
The Dr said “Ok, we fixed your sinus problem, now let’s work on your hearing.”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Knock KnockWho’s there?Juliet!Juliet who!Juliet me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Juliet!Juliet who!Juliet me in or not!
Wedding practical joke
Who has the ring?When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn’t have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.
Wallet or i’ll jump
A midget walks into a bathroom and sees a guy taking a piss, he comes up to him and says, “You have nice balls”, the guy liking compiments says, “Um….. thanks I guess”, then the midget says, “Can I have a closer look at them, you know mine are so small!”
The guy answers, “um….. sure go ahead”, so the midget gets a 4 foot ladder, climbs up onto it and grabs the guys balls, then all of a sudden he yanks on them keeping a tight grip he says, “Give me your wallet or i’ll jump!”
Resume Bloopers
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
–Responsibility makes me nervous.
–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn’t work under those conditions.
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
–Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
–I’m a rabid typist.
–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.