One day Pinocchio was moping around his home and his dad Geppetto said, “What’s wrong Pinocchio?”Pinocchio: “Well every time me and my girlfriend has sex she gets splinters, what should i do?”Geppetto: “Well Pinocchio why don’t you try sand paper?”The next day Geppetto says, “So did the sand paper help your girlfriend have sex?”Pinocchio: “Who needs a girlfriend when i have sand paper?”
Author: admin
All mixed up
a guy walks into a bar and sees a jug of money sitting on the tablE he says to the bartender “whats that money for” the bartender says “well its a contest you put in some loose change and then you get 3 tasks if you complete them all you win the money” the man says “ok sounds good” he put some money in the jug and asked the bartender for the 1st task the bartender replied “ok see that big biker dude over there… well you got to knok him out with one punch” so the man walks over and knocks him out with one punch! go back to the bartender and says “that was easy give me the last 2 tasks” the bartender replies “there is a dog in the back with a sore tooth you have to go pull it and there is an 80 year old women upstairs lookin for some sex she hasnt got any in a long time” the man says “no problem” he goes to the back with the dog and all the bartender hears is yelping and crying. the man comes oput and says ” OK WHERES THE LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH !!!!”
Elderly Gentleman Gets Hearing Back
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already.
bin laden
What does Osama bin Laden have in common with Hiroshima?
Nothing…. yet.
My sister’s
A young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant.
“Doctor,” she explained, “This baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts.
Next, he unbuttoned her blouse, removed her bra and began powerfully sucking on one of her nipples.
“Young lady,” he finally announced, “No wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!”
“Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
A Week at the Computer Helpdesk, the REAL story…
Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use
password retrieval utility called FDISK. They thank me and hang
up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn’t access reports database.
Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me.
Let them rant while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and
plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One
more happy customer…
11:00am
Quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug phone back in so I can
call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet.
12:00pm
Lunch
3:30pm
Return from lunch.
4:23pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts. Ask
them what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.
Tuesday
9:00am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. I yell as I grab
for the support lines, which have(mysteriously) lit up. Walks
away grumbling.
9:35pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them to
hang on. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
Tell her I need employee number, and marital status. Run
@DbLookup against parole board database, CDC database, and my
Oprah database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight, I
offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch
console while I grab a smoke.
1:00pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so
he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of
not
running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod — Fire!
2:00pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to
check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell
her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape
over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer
to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking
Bitset, not
chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am
meeting with me.
10:00am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but can suggest
several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in
third-world countries. I ask if he’s aware of new bug which
takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all
references to handcuffs and Bambi in Marketing on the corporate
Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web
browser, and Tums.
10:30am
Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00am
Lunch.
4:55pm
Return from lunch.
5:00pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00am
New guy (Marvin) started today. “Nice plaids” I offer. Set him
up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same
in both monochrome and color.
8:45am
New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create new ID
for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out
of sleeves (Always have backups).
5:00pm
Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button…). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these
calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate. Me and
the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to call
telecommunications.
9:30am
Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s in San
Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it’s
sunspots, but
with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the
server back two hours.
11:00am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to
Milwaukee.
11:23am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So
hard to get good help… I respond. Support manager says he has
appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I
mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him.
No problem!
11:30am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s invited to a
meeting
this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.
12:00am
Lunch.
2:39pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility
CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
4:00pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also
set point size to 2 in help databases.
4:30pm
User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents. Tell
them to go to view, do a Edit — Select All, hit delete key, and
then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says
so.
4:45pm
Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents. Tell
them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not
(too) much.
5:00pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend. Che
Your mommas so fat
Your mommas so fat, Police had to us the Jaws of Life to help her take a shit!
College letters
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest.
“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
If Webster wrote the first
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
The Detective’s Visitor
Once,there was a detective who was just moving in to his new
office. He heard a knock on the door. He wanted to make a good
impression since he was new, so he pretended to be on the phone.
The man waited patiently. The detective hung up. “As you can
se,I’m very busy,”said the detective. “What can I do for you?”
“Not much,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone,”
Jill’s legs
So this new bar opens and the owner can’t think of a name. So he decides to
name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes doesn�t take long and
soon the 3rd customer walks in.
the owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. �You’re the 3rd person to enter
my bar and I’m going to name it after you.�
�Okay�, she says, �my name is Jill�.
The owner looks her over and says, �I like your legs so I’m going to name the
bar ‘Jill’s Legs’�
The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop asks him what he’s
doing. He answers, �Waiting for Jill’s Legs to open so I can get a drink!�
Women’s Conference
At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up:
“At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up:
“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”