Author: admin

Gold Bar

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A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to
find his wife waiting for him.

He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in
the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything

Was gold. The carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains, and even the
urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my

Pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in
your establishment really gold?”

“Yes,” he replied�, everything is gold colored.”

” Even the urinal?” she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is
the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the

Tuba last night.”

Hot Blonde Driver

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One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing
he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop
dead Blonde the works. “I’ve pulled you over for speeding Mama…..could I see
your driver�s license…? “…Whats a License…?� replied the blonde. Instantly
giving away the fact that she was as a stump. It�s usually in your wallet…
Replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to
find it. Now may I see your registration!!! Asked the cop. Registration….whets
that…? Asked the Blonde. It�s usually in your glove compartment said the cop
impatiently after some more fumbling she found the registration. Ill be back in
a minute… the cop said and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the
dispatch to run a check on the woman�s license and registration. After a few
moments the dispatcher came back. Mum is this woman driving a red sports car.
Yes….Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? Asked the
dispatcher. Uh…Yes
Replied the cop. Hers what you do…..said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back
and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. It�s ……..inappropriate. Exclaimed
The cop. Trust me….Just does it. Said the dispatcher. So the Cop goes back
to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as
the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs….. Ohm no……not
ANOTHER breathalyzer….

In the BIG city

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A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City.

For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw – especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked,
‘What’s that there, Paw?’

The father responded,
‘Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,
‘Go git your Maw.’

Fun With Subtitles

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The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. * Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. * Gun wounds again? * Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. * A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. * Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken * Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot. * Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? * This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat. * Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up. * I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out! * You daring lousy guy. * Beat him out of recognizable shape! * Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. * I have been scared silly too much lately. * I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair! * Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. * The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? * How can you use my intestines as a gift? * Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person. * You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Stealing Guns

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Homosassa, Florida. A man went into a hardware store to apply
for a job. After completing his application he then went to the
section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a couple
guns. The attendant left for a moment and the guy stole the
guns. Not only was he video-taped, the police used the address
on his application to go to his house and arrest him.

Anatomy Class

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A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”

“Sure” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”

Goofy Wundermints!

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Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How come there aren’t B batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000’s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 “ups”?

Good reasons for an office on-site bar

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While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.