A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade”. But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
Author: admin
Christmas Carol Parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I
get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was
filled with: ” Silent Night. Holy Night…”
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She
exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he
can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot,
and out came: “Silent Night. Holy Night…”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know.
“Let’s try it.” He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): “Chet’s nuts roasting on an
open fire….”
How does a blonde kill a bird?
how does a blonde kill a bird? throws it off a cliff!
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire,…
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall
tales begins.
The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands,
bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
Letters to a landlord
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsOur kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
WHAT?! And to him too?
Classical situation. The wife in bed with a fatigue lover, husband rushes
unexpectedly. The wife shouts to the lover:
– Dear! Prove to him that you’re a real man!
Lover:
– WHAT?! And to him too?
Va un argentino caminando y
Va un argentino caminando y se encuentra con un amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”
“Que me caso…”
“�Con qui�n te cas�s?”
“Con la ‘Pitisha'”
“��Con esa puta?!”
Se va el argentino un poco bajoneado y se encuentra a otro amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”
“Nada, que me caso”.
“�Y con qui�n?”
“Con la ‘Pitisha'”
“��Con esa puta?!”
Entonces se va para un bar y se encuentra otro amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! Y decime �qu� cont�s?
“Que me caso”.
“�Con qui�n?”
“Con una puta”.
“��Con la ‘Pitisha’?!”
Car treatment
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
miles, whichever came first.
Condom
Do you know that they are recycling condoms?
They are turning them inside out and shaking the fuck out of them.
The Experiment…
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten…”
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species….
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
A Job for Mama
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her
mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
“Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll
take care of you.” So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony
took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran
downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big
hairy chest.”
“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran
downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants
and he’s got hairy legs!”
“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man.
Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.” So up she went
again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job
for Mama.”