Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.1. Oral Sex does not count.2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day, doesn’t count. 3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn’t count. 4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn’t count.5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share. 6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “Did I shave my legs for this”, doesn’t count.7. An old flame, doesn’t count.8. An ex-spouse, doesn’t count ,refer to this as a “pity fuck”. 9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex. 10. Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation.11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex.12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet”. 16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was public right?).17. Phone sex, doesn’t count, refer back to “glorified masturbation”. 18. In car, doesn’t count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1.19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count. 23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count, this should be considered ” getting aquainted “.26. An act with a US President , doen’t count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.27. An act with your boss, doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits. SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!
Author: admin
No Penis????
what do you call a guy with no penis?
Ryan Contraras
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN VENUS – THE TANDEM STORY
Remember the book “men are from mars, women are from venus”? Well, here’s a
prime example offered by an English professor at an American university.
In-class assignment for Wednesday “today we will experiment with a new form
called the tandem story.”
“The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking and anything
you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached.
“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”
Story: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
——————————————————-
Meanwhile, advance Sergeant Carl harries, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over skyline 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. “As. harries to gestation 17,” he said into his
transatlantic communicator. “Polar orbit established. no sign of resistance so
far…” but before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
——————————————————-
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of skyline 4. “Congress passes law permanently
abolishing war and space travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “why must one lose one’s
innocence to become a woman?� she wondered wistfully.
——————————————————-
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the anu’udrian mother ship launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the
unilateral aerospace disarmament treaty through congress had left earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy
the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the anu’udrian
ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The
president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor
off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The president slammed his
fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I�m going to veto that
treaty! Let�s blow ‘me out of the sky!”
——————————————————-
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
——————————————————
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall
I have some other sort of f****** tea??? Oh no, I�m such a air headed bimbo who
reads too many mills &
Boon novels.”
——————————————————-
A******.
——————————————————-
Bitch.
——————————————————-
Winker.
——————————————————-
Slut.
——————————————————-
Get f*****.
——————————————————-
Eat s***.
——————————————————-
F*** you – you Neanderthal!!!
Redneck Hunting
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.
But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”
One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.”
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other Redneck.
“Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”
Elevators
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at
The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father
responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don’t know what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year
old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”
The difference
If you can pick it up, it’s a PC.
If you can’t pick it up but you can push it over, it’s a minicomputer.
But when you can’t pick it up or knock it over, it’s a mainframe.
Fido Will Find It
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them.”
George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.
Gypsy Lover
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.” The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.”Well, what is it?” he asks.”It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.”The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.””That’s the problem!” the doctor says, “Tell him his earrings aren’t made of real gold……”
Investigation
We know the pieces fit, we watched towers fall away.
Confused, while smoldering, explanations differing.
Their intentions juxtaposed against the forces set in motion.
Dissembling as they forbid any investigation.
The fear now fuels the crackdown, has shut our eyes and torn us so.
We don’t see when the war will end, crippling the opposition.
We know the pieces fit, as we watched questioning drowned.
No fault, none to blame it doesn’t mean we don’t desire to.
Point the finger, blame the other, watch liberties trampled over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover hard asked questions.
The imagery that comes from the controlled TV screen,
And the dark forces behind it.
Making spaces for the dissidents.
(instrumental break)
There was a time that the pieces fit, but we watched them filed away.
Subdued, new wars for oil, strangled by their coveting.
They’ve done the math enough to know the dangers of our nation’s message.
Doomed to stumble because we sow, and reaping is our destination.
Forced silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Amongst freedom’s supposed lovers.
Insurance Money
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”The lawyer looked puzzled.”Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”
Some Short Ones…
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?”I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses!””Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Vaughan!Vaughan who?Vaughan day
Knock KnockWho’s there?Vaughan!Vaughan who?Vaughan day my prince will come!