President Bush even called Lance Armstrong after the big victory.
Not to congratulate him… he wants Lance to teach him how to back peddle even faster.
-Jay Leno
Author: admin
Wee Jordy
One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,
while walking through the heather the lass says;
“ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!
wee jordy says “aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?
Well she says “i can tell by the gleam in your eye.”
Walking along a bit further she says to him “wee jordy i can tell you want
to give me a kiss”.
“well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?”
“ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!”
Walking along a bit further she says “wee jordy i can tell you want to
make love to me”.
he says, “aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!”
“No!” she says… “by the tilt in your kilt!”
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he
keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to
date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for
superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do
the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A
coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original
work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Marriage Quickies
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
Cause they want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky; mine’s still alive.”
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying.”
YO mama so stupid
Yo mama so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Alot Alike
Q: Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
Dear Diarrhea
Didja hear that diarrhea’s hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
The cowboys and the sheep
Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it’s head stuck in a fence. one man said, “Man, I’m gonna get some of this.” He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it. After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.
Am I The First
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said. “And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”
Mutual Orgasam
An extensive interview was being conducted on an old couple.The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman . . . . . DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied: NO . . . . . STATE FARM.
A camel is a horse
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.
Trust no one in times
Trust no one in times of crisis.