Q.why did the teahcer take his ruler to bed
A. to see how long he could sleep
Author: admin
How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take…
How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for
the
old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to
blame
the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would
never need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they’re
full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the
CFR.
Cream Puffs
There once was a really pretty girl who loved cream puffs. A boy
came up to her and said, “may I walk you home?” the girl
replied, “My mommy told me not to.” The boy said, “I’ll give you
10 cream puffs.” she said o.k. Then the boy said, “May I carry
your books?” the girl replied, “My mommy told me not to.” The
boy said, “I’ll give you 20 cream puffs.” she said o.k. When
they reached her house the boy said, “may i come in?” The girl
replied, “my mommy told me not to,” So the boy said, “i’ll give
you 30 cream puffs.” The girl said, “ok,” then the boy asked
casually, “may i go to your room?” The girl replied, “my mommy
told me not to.” He said, “i’ll give you 40 cream puffs,” the
girl said, “ok.” The boy asked the girl “will you get naked?”
She replied “my mommy told me not to.” “I’ll give you 50 cream
puffs” the boy said. The girl said “ok,” The boy said “do it
with me.” The girl said, “my mommy told me not to.” “I’ll give
you 100 cream puffs” said the boy. In the morning the girl
asked, “Where are my cream puffs?” The boy said, “I creamed you
last night, and you’ll be
puffed up in 9 months.”
Santa’s Worst Confession
What is Santa’s worst confession?
He admits that only naughty girls get presents for Christmas!
Bush, Clinton, Women and a Train
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton’s cheek.
The blond thinks: “That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face”
The fat lady thinks: “That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him.”
Bill Clinton thinks: “George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”
George Bush thinks: “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.”
Disneyland
There were two blondes going to Disneyland. They saw this road sign that said “Disneyland left”, so they turned around and went home.
Baseball In Heaven
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
IM GOING
One day a guy walked into a pet shop and a guy walked up and
said” Would you like a animal that can talk and do all of your
chores”
the guy thought a moment and said “Sure i would” they walked
around
the corner and it was a centiepiede in a cage this is our best
one we have sir ill take it the guy said then he left to go
home when he got there he said to the centepiede to go get some
milk the centipede walked
directly outthe door the guy waited 30 mins. not back yet 45
mins not
back now an hour the guy got up walked to his door and opened it
he looked down
and saw him what are you doing the guy said then the centepiede
said im going im going im
tieing my shoes
Bar pickup
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken
unkempt man sit down next to her.
“say, honey-baby … i’d really like tiger into those pants o�douis.”
“thanks,” she shot back, “but i’ve already got an a****** in there.”
Chelsea look so stupid and ugly
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
How careers end
How careers end…
Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists’ models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed.
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Blame the dog
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap�s the young man realized that he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.’Spot,’ called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog lying at the young man’s feet. Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go. ‘Spot,’ she cried out sharply.I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.’Spot,’ shrieked the mother, ‘get over here before he shits on you.’