Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three…the rest are all true.
Author: admin
Rectal Thermometer
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
“Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside.”
“I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone was
still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile,
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!
Off the Toilet wall
Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.- Women’s toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.- Women’s toilet, Champaign, Illinois.Beauty is only a light switch away.- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. – Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? – The Irish Times, Washington DC.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.- Baton Rouge, Louisiana.At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.- Tucson, Arizona.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.A Women’s Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – Women’s toilet, Dallas, Texas.Jesus Saves, but wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?- Men’s toilet, American University, Washington DC.Express Lane: Five beers or less.- Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.You’re too good for him.- Sign over mirror in women’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.No wonder you always go home alone.- Sign over mirror in men’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington DC.To do is to be – Descartes To be is to do – Sartre Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra – Men’s toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!- Women’s toilet, Bozeman, Montana.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.- Revolution Books, New York.
Twas the Night Before Chrismas…
‘Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
(I had a gun unda my pillow.)
When up on da roof’
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, ”Ay! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin’ reindeer.
Wit’ a bad hackin’ cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit’ a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
”Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin’ boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
”Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!”
You are so ………………….
you are so ugly even youre slutty mother rejects u
What
A man comes up to a woman and says”Do you want
to go do it?” The woman says”Do what?” The man says”Go jump off a brige!
The lawyers, email,
Two lawyers were planing to go to Hawaii for their 12th anniversery. The lady told her husband that she has to finish her case and would come down in a week. The husband said ok and left for hawaii. It had been a week and the husband was going to email his wife to make sure she was still coming. He forgot her email address and put down what he remembered. An old woman was sitting in her rocker crying because her husband had died 1 week ago and the computer said you’ve got mail, so she clicked on it and she fell to the floor dead. The House keeper ran in and found the woman dead. She didn’t see why the woman died, but she looked on the computer screen and this is what it said” I have been down here for about a week now and it’s really hot down here.I have been waiting for you. Come soon! love you lots! your husband
Q: How many Serbs
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two–one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
Suicidal blonde
Suicidal blonde
A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.
She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.
Two guys come over and say, “Are you trying to kill yourself?”
The blonde replies, “Yes, I am.”
One of the men says, “Then shouldn’t you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?”
The blonde says, “I tried that, but I couldn’t breathe.”
Shit Happens
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.
ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it
really shit?
ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.
FORTEANISM: No shit??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
DEISM: Shit just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH’s WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.
STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.
REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.
FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.
Anniversary top 10
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Fitness
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.
She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called “Cold Turkey.”
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
“Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
“I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”