The 3 biggest lies a cowboy tells:
This here truck is paid for.
I won this belt buckle at the rodeo.
Honest officer, I was just helpin’ the sheep over the fence.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
Its Blue…
“I think I have a problem, doc,” says the patient, “one of my balls has turned blue”.
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient dies if they don’t have his testicle removed.
“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient, “how could I let you do such a thing to me!”
“You want to die?”, asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
“Hey, you want to die?”, asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor: “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”
After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.
“You want to die?”, asks the doctor.
“But… how do I pee?”
“We’ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”
So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor’s office. He is very angry: “Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue.”
“What?”
“Can you tell me what a hell is happening?”
So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says: “Hm, I don’t know, could it be the jeans?…”
Philadelphia is 2 hours from New York by train,…
Philadelphia is 2 hours from New York by train, and
35 minutes by telephone.
Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
“Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data
to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to
K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does
the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two
digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We’ll await your direction.”
Something everyone
Here’s something everyone should probably know:
You may remember that on July 2, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with four
aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the
government.
However, you may not know that on March 31,1948, exactly nine months after
that day, Al Gore was born.
Now, that clears up a lot of things.
Learning about relationships
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend.When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion.So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, and she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
A Group Of Monks
I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in
white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising
their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one
young member of the group.
It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
Head
IF TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE THAN WHAT IS ONE HEAD BETTER THAN? YOURS
Parrot
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”
The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The guy says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”
The guy says, “He did??”
The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The guy says, “My God, what happened next!?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
How do you kill a blonde?
Q: how do you kill a blonde?
A: put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Manolo entra como una tromba
Manolo entra como una tromba al bar del pueblo y grita, “Dame un whisky doble. �Estoy furioso!” El cantinero le sirve la bebida y Manolo se la toma de un trago. “Dame uno m�s.” El cantinero le vuelve a servir e, intrigado, le pregunta, “�Qu� te sucede? �por qu� vienes tan enojado?”
Manolo responde: “Mira, estaba en el bar de al lado cuando entra esta rubia monumental y se sienta justa a mi lado. T� sabes, era como una fantas�a vuelta realidad. Entonces comienzo a sentir la mano de la rubia en mi pierna y la rubia se me acerca y me dice que lo siga y se levanta. No pod�a creer lo que estaba pasando, pero la segu�.”
“Me llev� hasta un hotel cercano y subimos a su cuarto. Tan pronto como cerr� la puerta se quit� el vestido. �Era todo lo que tra�a encima! En un segundo me desvest� y en eso escucho un ruido de llaves fuera del cuarto y la rubia dice: Oh, ese es mi novio. Debe haber perdido su torneo de lucha libre y debe estar furioso. �Esc�ndete!”
“As� que como rayo busco donde esconderme y no se me ocurre nada mejor que colgarme de la ventana tomado de los dedos a la cornisa. Entonces oigo que entra el tipo y grita, “�Con quien estabas ahora, perra!” y empieza a revolver todo el cuarto, y luego dice, “�Qu� es eso que est� ah� en la ventan?” Luego oigo que el tipo entra al ba�o y escucho agua correr, y de pronto el fulano me ba�a con agua hirviendo. �Mira! �Tengo quemaduras por toda la cabeza y los hombros!”
El cantinero dice, “Vaya, de seguro que eso te enfureci�.”
“No, realmente eso no fue lo que me molest�. Enseguida, el tipo comenz� a bajar la ventana una y otra vez, golpe�ndome los dedos. �Mira c�mo me han quedado!”
El cantinero dice, “S�, ahora entiendo lo que te puso tan furioso.”
“No, eso no fue lo que me hizo enojar.”
“Bueno, �entonces que fue lo que te molest� tanto?”
“Mira, estaba all� colgando, todo quemado y con los dedos destrozados, cuando se me ocurre voltear para abajo �y s�lo estaba a 30 cent�metros del suelo!”
Va un argentino caminando y
Va un argentino caminando y se encuentra con un amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”
“Que me caso…”
“�Con qui�n te cas�s?”
“Con la ‘Pitisha'”
“��Con esa puta?!”
Se va el argentino un poco bajoneado y se encuentra a otro amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! �Qu� cont�s?”
“Nada, que me caso”.
“�Y con qui�n?”
“Con la ‘Pitisha'”
“��Con esa puta?!”
Entonces se va para un bar y se encuentra otro amigo que le dice:
“�Che, tanto tiempo sin vernos! Y decime �qu� cont�s?
“Que me caso”.
“�Con qui�n?”
“Con una puta”.
“��Con la ‘Pitisha’?!”