This one time, i was in the back of a bus, and all of a sudden a big red chimp came and hit me in the sac. I was very angry. Another time i got this candy bar for a quarter and this quarter was from the year 2009 and so far that year is not here, but anyways im getting off subject here, so like i was saying this candy bar had a lot of nuts i think i counted the nuts on it and there was like 50023 in one little square centimeter, and if you didnt know my favorite color is pinkish beighesih bluish redish purple and my favorite number has got to be about 100541450853183218502873.043, but like i was saying this candy bar had so much chocolate that after i ate it, my shit was all brown, and my shit is usually about that greenish yellow stage, o and if this makes no sense, heres a little story for you: once i was riding my head and reading a video game, and all of a sudden this big mailbox came out of nowhere and i hit my bike, it was so crazy. but anyways, this one time, at band camp, i was playing the drumbs and all of a sudden a big fuckin coronet came and smoked me in the side of the f uckin head, my cock and balls were hurtin real bad, but the moral of the story is that you cant drive drunk when high on mariju8sana and heeroine, and cocaine is a hell of a drug as the master rick james would say, peace out mother fuckers
Author: admin
Potential and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores.”
El profesor repartiendo las notas:
El profesor repartiendo las notas:
“Luisito un diez. Pedrito un ocho. Juanito un seis. Jaimito un cero.”
“Oiga profe. �Y por qu� a m� un cero?”
“Por que te has copiado el examen de Pedrito.”
“�Y usted como lo sabe?”
“Porque las cuatro primeras preguntas est�n iguales, en la �ltima pregunta Pedrito respondi� ESA NO ME LA SE y tu has puesto YO TAMPOCO.”
Vegtables
Whats the worst part about eating vegtables?
Putting them back in their wheel chair
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President…
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!”
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,”I’m
sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s
having.”
Old Golfer
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.”Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.””But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?””But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.”But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.”Do you see it?” asked Jack.”Yup,” Scott answered.”Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.”I forgot.”
Women on the moon
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn’t need cleaning.
Young man and duck
For a boy’s 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, “Go into town and see what you can get with this.”
The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, “I’ll have sex with you if you give me the duck.” He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, “If you do it again, I’ll give you the duck back.”
He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.
Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck.
The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.
When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he received for the duck.
His reply: “Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!”
Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please”.
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out ofnline and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
Lost For An Answer
“Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?”
the suspicious wife sneered.
“No, I can’t.” the husband replied. “I distinctly remember
taking my shirt off.”
You might be a republican if…
You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
Car Door,
There was Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded on
a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He
decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it.
So one day the Hawaiian guy complained, “It’s hot!”
The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door and rolled down the window. “Is that
better?”