During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theatre yelled, “How’d you do that?””I could tell you, sir”, the magician answered, ” But then I’d have to kill you.”After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Ok, then. Just tell my wife!”
Author: admin
Results of a Tornado
Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.
The Eight Days of Hanukkah
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of aorned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 8 Alka- Seltzer 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
Little Broom
One day, two brooms were getting married. The bride-broom told
the groom-broom that she was expecting a little whisk broom.
“But how?” Said the groom-broom, “We’ve never even swept
together!”
Bush Fans
There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Little Johnny.
The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”
The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”
Little Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.”
The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan, and Little Johnny says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if your Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot… what would that make you?”
Little Johnny says, “Well, that would make me a Bush fan.”
Young Man !
Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke – the third wasn’t quick enough..
The Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”
The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”
You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a wee
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q: How many tenors
Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three – One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
Hung like a horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
The Top 15 Signs You’re NOT the Funniest Person in America
15> All your monologues begin with “Death to the infidels!”
14> Every time you start a “knock knock” joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.
13> You still can’t understand why your “women are like vector calculus, but men are like tensor analysis” routine doesn’t crack ’em up every time.
12> You’re opening for Yakov Smirnoff. In Branson. For his Monday morning show.
11> You pioneered the joke format of Setup, Punch, Explanation, Apology.
10> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.
9> The subject line of all your e-mails: “FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!”
8> You’re still working on that “Viagra rhymes with Niagara” gag you caught a teasing glimpse of two years ago.
7> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is “Get it?”
6> Although there’s a humorous anecdote or two to be gleaned from forgetting to set your alarm clock and missing your flight, “Abu, the 20th Hijacker” keeps getting his ass kicked at open-mike night.
5> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.
4> Your funniest bit involves snarky responses to a cease-and-desist letter from Worldwide Pants, but your attorney won’t let you post it on your lame-ass Web site.
3> Your “watch me pull a baby out of this vagina” joke is just creepy.
2> Your new WB sitcom pilot was responsible for the first-ever Laugh Tracks Union strike.
1> Your “homage to Gallagher” involves a huge mallet and live puppies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
How to baby sit a black baby
how do you baby sit a black baby? Lick their lips and stick them to the window.