1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them “not to do it” and ask them “not to give in to sin.” Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn’t know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage “ditch.” Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting “Redrum! Redrum!” in your best groggy voice.
12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan “Ohhhh, um, uh-oh,” and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain “ditch” for all to see.
13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.
15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage “ditch”, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.
16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm,” making the sound of the animal in their stall.
17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don’t tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.
19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim “Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?”
22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.
23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).
26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.
28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an “Mmmm!” sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
31. Hang “Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown” signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
33. Stare at people’s feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout “I’m coming for you, Moby!” Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they’ll pay