Blonde and her job interview…

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
“So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
“And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “MANDY!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks –
“What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead…
” I was just running through that song –
‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…’ “

One day Bob and Tom were playing outside by…

One day Bob and Tom were playing outside by the barn.
Bob’s mom came out to get them for lunch and saw them playing
with a rubber.

Mom yelled at Bob and Tom to get in the house and wash their
hands.

The two boys ran in, washed and come back out.

A moment later Mom yelled again for them to
get back in and wash their hands.

Bob and Tom confused went
in the house again, washed and came back outside.

Again, Mom yelled for them to come back and rewash their hands.

As the boys came back to the house, Tom turned to Bob and said “I guess
your mom’s pretty upset with us for playing with that. It’s a good thing
she didn’t find out we ate the pudding inside!”

TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Glorious history of killing North American tribes.
2. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
3. Warm beer.
4. Punctuality.
5. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
6. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
7. Union jack underpants.
8. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
9. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
10. Ditto changing underwear.
11. Beats being Welsh.
12. Or Scottish.

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Rain

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and dreary day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover, “and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!””I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, “It’s raining out there!””If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems.”So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town’s annualmarathon. So he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to “blend in” as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.”Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?””Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?””Only if it’s raining.”

Can’t do it

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act.
He would fill a large boul with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.
“Go ahead,” said the stage manager. “Eat the shit, eat the shit!”

“I just can’t do it”, said the magician. “There’s a hair in it!”

The Sniffer Dog!

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off, when
another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The
dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they
work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man,
“Don’t mind Rover, he is a ‘sniffer dog,’ the best there is.
I’ll show you when we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out, when the handler says to the
first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a
woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts
one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy,” and turns to
the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of
marijuana, so I’m making a note of this and the seat number for
the police who will apprehend her on arrival.” “Fantastic!”
replies the first man.

Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm. He says,
“Good boy,” and he turns to the first man and says, “That man is
carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this and the
seat number.” “That’s marvellous, I’ve never seen anything like
it!” says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and
down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and
then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all
over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by
this, and asks, “What the hell is going on?”

The handler replies. “He’s just found a bomb!”

Cajun Home Birth

Not so deep in the swamplands of Louisiana, a Cajun’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night.

The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold dis high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put dat lantern down. I think dere’s another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a babygirl.

“Hold dat lantern up, don’t set it down, dere’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “Don’t put down dat lantern, it seems dere’s yet another one a coming!” cried the doctor.

The Cajun scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “You tink it might be da light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

Q: How many Union

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Seventeen – One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.