Ring bear

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar…so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear…”

Fishing is better

When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20 cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Ribbit Lucky frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing . . .
. . . He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9
Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit
9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
“Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think
frog?” the man asks.
“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and
doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.”
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.”
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should
bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one shot
to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of
cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the
frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.

You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Lettuce and Minnestoa

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole
head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so
he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants
to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned
around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this
gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the request and the
man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why
did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all
just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed
the manager. The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

Looking for A Name

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

“What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting,” the nurse exclaimed.

“I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby,” the new mother replied.

“You don’t have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.”

“You don’t understand,” the woman said and frowned.
“My baby already has a FIRST name!”

gay spiders

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs ?” the little girlasked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat.

“Well, we’re not having THAT sort of poofter shit in our
garden.”

The Perfect Day According to HER

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms