Author: admin

Interoffice Memo

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It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has complied the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE

No fucking way. I’m not certain that’s feasible.

You’ve got to be shitting me? Really?

Tell someone who gives a shit. Perhaps you should check with:

Ask me if I give a shit. Of course I’m concerned.

It’s not my fucking problem. I wasn’t involved in that project.

What the fuck? Interesting behavior:

Fuck it. It won’t work. I’m not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? I’ll try to reschedule that.

When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late?

Who the fuck cares. Are you sure it’s a problem?

He’s got his head up his ass. He’s not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit. You don’t say?

Eat shit and die. Excuse me?

Eat shit and die motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want from me? They weren’t happy with it?

Kiss my ass. So, would you like my help with that?

Fuck it. I’m on salary. I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. I don’t think you understand.

This job sucks shit. I love a challenge.

Who the hell died and made you boss? You want me to take care of this?

Blow me. I see

Blow yourself. Do you see?

Another fucking meeting? Yes, we should discuss this.

I don’t really give a shit. I don’t think it will be a problem.

He’s fucking retarded. He’s confused.

Jesus is watching

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
‘Jesus is watching you.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep,’ the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m trying to warn you.’

The burglar relaxed.

‘Warn me, eh? Who are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the parrot.

`Moses?’ The burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?’

The parrot replied, ‘Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Homesick

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A truck driver goes into a brothel and says to the madam, “Here’s $500, give me a bolongna sandwich and the ugliest girl you have.”

The madam says, “But sir, for $500 you can have the finest meal and the most beautiful girl here.”

The trucker replies, “I’m not horny, I’m home sick.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Definitions from Kids

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Science definitions from Kids…

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Anniversary gift

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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

Ode to Bathroom Walls

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Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life’s problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get married! – Women’s restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman,Montana

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. – Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books. New York, New York.

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. – Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – Women’s restore, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God – The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C