Author: admin

Office Talk

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BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, “We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”

CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

Mums Cooking

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”]

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.” His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “Star Wars”

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1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”

3. “Look at the size of that thing!”

4. “Sorry about the mess…”

5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”

6. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”

7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”

8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed!”

9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”

10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care *what* you smell!”

Flying without a parachute

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A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!”The guy flying up looks down and yells, “No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!”

Late for Work

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For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.” And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”

Era un indito que vend�a

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Era un indito que vend�a legunbres en el mercado, pero cada ma�ana que llegaba ten�a que pasar por doinde el carnicero el cual al verlo le gritaba:

“�Qu� bonitas nalgas tienes cabr�n!”

Y el indito lo �nico que atinaba a hacer era apresurar el paso. Esto era todos los d�as hasta que otro carnicero le dijo:

“Cada que te diga que bonitas nalgas tienes tu le dices ‘me das miedo buey’, y ver�s como te deja de molestar.”

Al d�a siguiente va el indito a trabajar y al pasar frente a la carnicer�a escucha el ya t�pico:

“�Qu� bonitas nalgas tienes cabr�n!”

Y recordando el consejo de su amigo este le contesta:

“�Me asusta ust� si�or!”

Alien Love

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A man and his female friend woke up one morning to find an alien
spacecraft in their back yard. Being curious, the man and woman
went to welcome the visitors.

When the reached the spacecraft, a door slowly opened and
standing there were two aliens (a male and a female) who looked
just like humans except for minor differences. They found that
the aliens spoke perfect English so they invited them to come
inside for a drink.

After long discussions about the universe, the humans and the
aliens thought it would be interesting to have sex with one
another. So the female alien and the man went back to the ship,
while the male alien and the woman stayed in the house.

When the two in the house began to undress, the woman noticed,
to her disappointment, that the visitor had a very small penis.
Realising that the woman was distressed, the alien said “Don’t
worry, I’m not ready yet,” and pushing his nose, his penis grew
ten inches long. The woman was still not happy as the
circumference was no bigger then that of a pencil. But again the
alien told her not to worry and pulling his ears his penis grew
thicker. After, the alien and woman made amazing love that they
thouroughly enjoyed.

When the aliens had left the man and woman got to talking-
“How was it?” asked the man.
“Great!” said the woman, “How about you?”
“It was wierd,” replied the man, “she kept on pushing my nose
and pulling my ears the entire time.”

Jock Jems

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Basketball player Chris Washburn, on his ability to drive to the
basket, “Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That’s because
I’m amphibious.

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein.” Football commentator and former player
Joe Theismann (1996)

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” “You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” Bill Peterson, a
Florida State football coach.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when
I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking
clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece, “I can’t really remember the names of the
clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships, “I’ve won at
every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota, “He’s a guy who gets up at six
o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

1992 – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
team’s 7-27 record, “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the
road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to
play.”

1982 – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m
going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

1991 – Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator
fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20
books, “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored
yet.” 1991 – Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday
nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, “It’s basically the
same, just darker.”

1991 – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, “I
told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’
He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”

1991 – Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins, “He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings.”

1987 – Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four Fs and one D, “Son,
looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it

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Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb
has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this
email exchange to alt.light.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, whereto buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list
which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and
footers, and then add “Me Too.”
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle
the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it
here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.