Bras

A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,

“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”

Just you and me

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm.

At the end of the summer the farmer says, “Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you.”

The college guy says, “Right on, thanks a lot man.”

So the farmer says, “Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn’ going on.”

College guy “Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine.”

Farmer “There is also going to be a lot of fightn’ so I hope you are ready.”

College guy “I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape.”

Farmer says, “Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?”

College guy “Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?”

Farmer says, “I don’t care it’s just going to be me and you.”

Close shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

En un concurso para hallar

En un concurso para hallar el nombre m�s corto del mundo, se encontraban un chino, un japon�s y un mexicano. Llaman al chino y le preguntan su nombre.

“Me llamo O”.

Casi todos los espectadores dan por hecho que el hombre aquel ya gan�. Entonces pasa el japon�s y dice su nombre:

“Casio”.

El p�blico asegura: “��rale, este nip�n ya gan�!”

Cuando le toca el turno de decir su nombre al mexicano, �ste dice:

“Pues yo me llamo Nicasio”.

War Quotes

Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk’s spoiling all the fun at every party. I get so bored I could scream.
— Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind”

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
— Jeannette Rankin, first woman member of U.S. House of Representatives

It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.
— Robert E. Lee

Cover a war in a place where you can’t drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell no!
— Hunter S. Thompson, on why he refused to cover the Gulf War

This country’s only 200 years old and we’ve already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country, so we’re good at it! And it’s a good thing we are; we’re not good at anything else anymore… Can’t educate our children, can’t give health care to our old people — but we can bomb the [bleep] out of your country.
— George Carlin

Men, all this stuff you heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans, traditionally, love to fight.
— Gen. George S. Patton in “Patton”

You can’t say that civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
— Will Rogers

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
— Albert Einstein

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife’s brother.
— Artemus Ward

Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.
— Abraham Lincoln

Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a parliament or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
— Hermann Goering, Nazi Reichsmarshal and Luftwaffe chief, at the Nuremberg trials

Why are builders afraid to

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11? I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.I went out today and bought everything I’ve been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

Restroom talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom at a rest stop but, I don’t know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: “Doin just fine!”

And the other guy says: “So, what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking that this is way too bizarre so I say, “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, “Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously… “LISTEN!!! I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!”

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”

You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.

~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

Esto es una pareja de

Esto es una pareja de reci�n casados que tras haber hecho el amor el d�a anterior, la mujer le dice al marido:

“Pepe, yo estoy embarazada”.

“�C�mo vas a estar embarazada, Mar�a?”

“Que s�, Pepe, que se me ha hinchado la barriga de una forma que no es normal y muy r�pido; eso s�lo puede ser un embarazo”.

“Bueno, vamos al m�dico”.

Y Pepe y Mar�a van al m�dico, y tras hacerle las pruebas a Mar�a les comenta:

“Pues usted no est� embarazada, lo �nico que tiene es aire en la barriga. No s� c�mo se le ha metido pero tiene aire”.

Al mes, Pepe y Mar�a vuelven a hacer el amor y al d�a siguiente otra vez se le hincha la barriga y crey�ndose embarazada van otra vez al m�dico; �ste les vuelve a decir:

“No est� embarazada, es s�lo aire”.

Al mes, otra vez lo mismo:

“Es s�lo aire. No s� como lo haces, Pepe, pero le metes aire en la barriga al hacerle el amor”.

En eso, que se entera todo el pueblo de lo que le pasaba a Pepe, y cuando �ste andaba por la calle le dec�an:

“Hola, ventoso”. “Adi�s, ventoso”. “�Qu� te cuentas ventoso?” “Mira por ah� va el ventoso”.

Despu�s de un mes aguantando esto, Pepe va por la calle y cuando se lo vuelven a decir, contesta pegando voces para que se enterara todo el pueblo:

“Mira, me voy a comprar una pistola y al pr�ximo que me diga ventoso le pego dos tiros”.

Dicho y hecho, Pepe se compr� la pistola y eso lleg� a los o�dos del p�rroco del pueblo, quien lo llam� para que fuera a hablar con �l. Cuando Pepe va a la iglesia, el cura le amonesta:

“Pepe, �es verdad lo que me han comentado: que le vas a pegar dos tiros al pr�ximo que te diga ventoso?”

“S�, padre, ya me he comprado la pistola; es m�s, la llevo en el bolsillo”.

Al escuchar eso, el p�rroco trat� de convencer a Pepe para que no lo hiciera; tras dos horas de conversaci�n Pepe le dijo:

“Bueno, est� bien, padre, cuando me vuelvan a decir ventoso me aguantar� y no le pegar� dos tiros”.

Tras hacerle prometerlo, se despide de Pepe. Pero, instantes despu�s de que Pepe se fuera de la iglesia escucha dos tiros. El religioso sale corriendo a la puerta de la iglesia gritando:

“�Hay que ver Pepe lo que ha hecho! �Y me acababa de prometer que no le iba a pegar dos tiros a nadie, aunque le dijeran ventoso!”

Afuera de la iglesia se observa a un ciclista con dos balazos en el cuerpo y su bicicleta tirada en el suelo.

“�Pepe, qu� has hecho, no me acababas de prometer que aunque te dijeran ventoso no le ibas a pegar dos tiros a nadie!”

“Mire, padre, que me digan ventoso, vale. Pero que me cojan la picha para inflar la rueda de la bicicleta, no”.

Jordan’s Worth

Got this off the list a couple of years ago. I don’t know who to give credit to as I deleted the author’s name.

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game. Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

A quickie will net him $1855.

He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be ‘reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this…….. Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Or does that make you more sick?