Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retreiver.
Author: admin
Men are Like…
Men are like ……. Laxatives …… They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like …….. Bananas …… The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like …….. Vacations ….. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like …….. Weather …… Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like …….. Blenders …… You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like …….. Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like …….. Coffee …… The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like …….. Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like …….. Department Stores …… Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like …….. Government Bonds …… They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like …….. Mascara …… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like …….. Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like …….. Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like …….. Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like …….. Parking Spots ….. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
Up or down
An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, “Up or down?”
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, “Up or down?” But this time she merely answers, “Down.”
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn’t wearing her hearing aid and thought he said “Fuck or drown.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
A Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying,
“I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde”.
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
“How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
Hidden in the Attic!
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
“Well, Father,” began the old man, “At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing,” interjected the priest, “But it’s certainly nothing you need to confess!” “It’s gets worse Father,” continued the elderly fellow, “I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.”
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.”
“Thank you Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over?”
Light Reading
1. The Italian Book Of War Heroes.
2. The Norwegian Book Of Cookery.
3. The Scottish Book Of Knowledge.
Best Drinking Story Ever Told
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Wisconsin. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all.
Dumbfounded, the office said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Getting Screwed!
There was this little girl staring out her bedroom window, watching two dogs screw in the street.
In curiosity she called for her father to explain what they were doing.
Her father entered the room and asked what was wrong.
The girl then said, “Father what are those two dogs doing ?”
The father hesitantly replied, “Why, one of the dogs got hurt, and the other is helping it to an animal hospital.”
The girl jumped to her feet and said, “It’s just like with humans, Daddy, you try to help someone and you get fucked!”
Programmers Sayings…
Programmers Sayings…
”BASIC – A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.” — Anon.
”I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself.” — Anon.
”If you’re masochistic enough to program in ADA, we’re not going to stop you.” — Matt Welsh
”Don’t get suckered in by the comments … they can terribly be misleading.” — Dave Storer
”If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas.” — Harold Abelson
”Optimization hinders evolution.” — Anon.
”Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals.” — Henry Spencer
”The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that’s because it’s the best book on anything for layman.” — Anon.
”The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs.” — Joseph Weizenbaum
”C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.” — Bjarne Stroustrup
”He who hasn’t hacked assemply language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain.” — John Moore
”Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself.” — Anon.
”Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.” — Keith Bostic
”A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages.” — Anon.
”Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals … with their eyes opened.” — ricS
”Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.” — Larry Wall
”Real programmers don’t work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it’s because they were up all night.” — Anon.
”Real programmers don’t write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.” — Anon.
”There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.” — C.A.R. Hoare
”A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.” — John Gall
”A crash is when your competitor’s program dies. When your program dies, it is an ‘idiosyncrasy’. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like ‘ID 02’. ‘ID’ is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had.” — Guy Kawasaki
”There are two ways to write error-fre
Picking on a tardy student
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. “And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.”I don’t know,” the student said.”Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.”That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”
They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Lesbian Jokes
What do you call 2 lesbians trapped in a cabinet….
A licker cabinet
What is the difference between a wheat thin and a lesbian….
one is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker
How do you hold your liquer….
by the ears