Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: He doesn’t! He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
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The Top 13 Signs your Bachelorette Party isn’t going well
13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.
12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.
11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.
10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer’s Eve.
9. The traditional game of “Famous Politicians I’d Sleep With” just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.
8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, “spotting.”
7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn’t know that Daddy’s new job title was “Danny, the Firehose Dude.”
6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.
5. You really didn’t want your boss to “honor” you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?
4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that “stripper” cop wasn’t such a good idea.
3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.
2. Your water breaks.
1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.
Three men
Three men walk into a bar,You think one or them would have seen it!
The Trian!
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”
The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
If a donkey is an
If a donkey is an ass and a sheep is a ram, how come a ram in the ass is
a goose?
Christmas Cookie Dou
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb’s in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.”Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb’s came out.””Suzy,” Grandma said.”I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” Then Jill came down and said ”Grandma, I went poo and there was bb’s in it.” “Jill, I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” About five minutes later little Billy came.”Grandma something terrible has happenend, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!”
Curious attendant
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to
California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decides to stop at the next gasoline
station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Shell station and pulls over to the high
octane pump. “What can I do fer ya’ll?” asks the attendant.
“Fill her up with high test,” replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.
“What kinda car is dat?” he asks, “I never seen one like it befer.”
“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy,
is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”
“What all it got in it?” asks the attendant.
“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It has power steering, power
seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player in
the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package,
and best of all–an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”
“WOW!” says the attendant, “thata be someting.”
“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.
“Thata be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and
peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful
of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.
“What dem little wooden tings?” asks the attendant.
“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.
“WOW!” says the attendant, “dem Cadillac folkies tink of everything.”
Three blondes are attempting to change a light…
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?
Blonde: No, it’s working fine.
Operator: Then what’s the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Daffynition
Daffynition: Hummingbird- A bird who forgot the lines to a song!
Advice to northerner
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in “big ol truck”, or “big ol boy”.”Fixin'”, as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”, is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
You might be a redneck if…
Half the dogs under the porch isnent even yours
The 3 Priests (classic)
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window…
“Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” He turns red and runs away.
Then came the third…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –
St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”