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Rude Song Lyrics

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These are rude nursery rhymes, songs and remakes of songs the
way they should have been done…

Masturbation Song

You don’t need to use a condom
You don’t need a dental dam
You don’t need to say “I Love You” or “Here’s Fifty
Dollars, Ma’am.”

Don’t need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need’s a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!

It’s natural, and organic
It’s easy and it’s fun
If you don’t know how to do it ask your parents how it’s done
You don’t need a special license

You don’t need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
‘Cause everybody’s doin’ it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!

(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER’S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he’s stroking air wanker.)

You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion

You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand

—————————————-

Single Woman’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!

—————————————-

Abraham Lincoln Rhyme

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window
with his dick in hand. he said, “Excuse me ladies, just doing my
duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty.”

—————————————-

Mary Mary Rhyme

Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn
hairy.

—————————————-

Row Your Boat Song

Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff,
that’s enough and pass it to a friend.

—————————————-

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got
high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said “I don’t wanna”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill
forgot her pill and now they have a son.

—————————————-

I’m A Little Penis Rhyme

I’m a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!

—————————————-

Jack Rhyme

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!

—————————————-

Mother Hubbard Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

—————————————-

Peter Peter Rhyme

Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

—————————————-

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

—————————————-

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

—————————————-

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue,
he needed the money.

—————————————-

Little Bow Peep

Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.

—————————————-

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Marry had a little lam
it’s fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it’s pink asshole.

Airline joke

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A little boy and his mother was on an airplane when he asked her
the question. Mom why do big elephants have little elephants,
big giraff have litle giraff and big planes don’t have little
planes? The mother answered ” well son I’m sorry but I don’t
have an answer for that, why don’t you ask the stewardess.

As the stewardess was walking by the little boy said,”excuse me
Ms.Stewardess, why do big elephants have little elephants, big
giraff have little giraff but big planes don’t have little
planes? The stweardess then said,”I’m sorry son I can’t answer
that let me tke you to the captain maybe he can answer that.

So the little boy went to the cockpit and asked the pilot,’
Excuse me Mr.Pilot, why do big elephants have little elephants,
big giraff have litle giraff but big planes don’t have little
planes? So the pilot answered and said to the little boy,” SON
YOU’RE FLYING DELTA AND WE ALWAYS PULL OUT ON TIME.”

Fleas

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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscarlooked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later,while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

Mom’s A Whore

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The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a whore!”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!”

To my dearest Wife

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To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:

We will wake the kids – 54 times

It’s too late – 15 times

I’m too tired – 42 times

It’s too early – 12 times

It’s too hot – 18 times

Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

The neighbors will hear – 9 times

Headache or backache – 26 times

Sunburn – 10 times

Your mother will hear us – 9 times

Not in the mood – 21 times

Watching the late show – 17 times

Too sore – 26 times

New hairdo – 6 times

Wrong time of the month – 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

Did not come home at all – 36 times

Did not come – 21 times

Came too soon – 38 times

Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

Cramps in your leg – 16 times

Working too late – 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”

Love, Your Wife