Q: How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
A: She through it out of the window !!
Author: admin
Plop position
1 Your mama’s so fat she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!
2 Y.M.S.F her job is spoon and fork operator.
3 Y.M.S.F she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
4 Y.M.S.F when she jumps she has to notify air-traffic control for permission to land
5 Y.M.S.F when she jumps Los Angeles has an earthquake!
6 Y.M.S.F the shadow of her ass weighs 200 pounds
7 Y.M.S.F she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.
8 Y.M.S.F she gave the hospital stretchmarks.
9 Y.M.S.F she has shock absorbers on her toilet seat. ?
Yo Mama so ugly when she got her driver’s license they had to ask her whether she was a man or woman.
10 Y.M.S.F when she sits on a chair she makes paper.
11 Y.M.S.F when she moves she needs planning permission
12 Y.M.S.F she fell in love and broke it.
13 Y.M.S.F it takes a plane train and automobile to get on her good side.
14 Y.M.S.F that when she sunbathed on the beach, Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the sea.
15 Y.M.S.F she has “print your advertisement here” on both ass-cheeks
16 Y.M.S.F Nasa use her as a launchpad
17 Y.M.S.F they used her as the trampoline in the Olympics.
Yo mamas like a gumball “cheap and easy to blow.” *
***YO MAMAS HEAD IS SO SMALL SHE GOTTA CURL HER HAIR WITH A GRAIN OF RICE****
-YO mamas like a volcano “hottest hole in town”
-Yo Mamas like a lake “always wet”
-Yo mamas like a shaving blade “every man has used her at least once”
-Yo mamas like coca-cola “most famous drink i know
your mama’s like a shotgun, two cocks and she’s ready to blow!
Yo mama is so bald that she tooka shower and got
brain washed
Your mama is so hairy, when you were born, you got carpet burn!
Q:whats the difference between your mama and a water buffalo?
A:about 25 pounds
Q:how do you make them equal?
A:either feed the water buffalo or shave your mama!
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”
12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”,say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.
20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.
21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”
24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.
Three year olds
Q: What’s the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A: Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
Perfect Woman
A man sitting in a bar was complaining to his friend that he was still
single. His friend asked him how this could happen. He answered, “Well,
I’m looking for the perfect woman, I’m not going to settle for the first
one that comes along.” After a couple of weeks they meet again in the same
bar, and the friend informes about his progress on his search. He said,
“I’ve found the perfect woman.” The friend replies, “So why are you
looking so unhappy?” He replied, “She was looking for the perfect man.”
Russian soldiers
Q: How many Russian soldiers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s a military secret.
Reflections on Life
George Carlin’s Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too!”
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Redneck Testicles
An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks “What are you looking at?” The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husband’s testicles. The English woman exclaims, “THEY ARE THAT BIG?” The redneck woman says, “No, they are that dirty!”
First-Time Golfer
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.”Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.”Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.”Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.
Drinking Contest
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
Christmas Cards with 2-Year-Old Son
When you think you have a bad day, remember this one from a
young mother:
“I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a
mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included
one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror–wearing
nothing but a camera!”
Free Hair Cuts
A priest went into a Washington D.C. barbershop and got his hair
cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. “No charge,
Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.”
When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a
dozen small prayer books on the stoop along with a thank you
note from the priest.
A few days later, a police officer came in. “How much do I owe
you?” the cop asked after his haircut. “No charge, officer,” the
barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The
next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop
along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a senator walked in for a haircut. “How
much do I owe you?” he asked. “No charge,” the barber replied.
“I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when
he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen senators
waiting on the stoop.