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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.”
“Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient.
“I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.”
“Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears.
“But the good news”, the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant.”
� You have ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all�.
� Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
� You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
� At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
� You can easily describe the taste of an Wok.
� You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
� The worst part of spending time on Deborah is the dad gum skitters.
� Woolies are offended by your BO.
� You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have
to wait for a commercial.
� You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
� Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son, come on over to the dark
side…it’ll be a hoot.”
� You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.
� You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
� You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
� You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through
the window.
� Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabber the Hut had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
� You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
� You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
� You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
� If you hear, “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
Concussion: A prisoner’s sofaCongenital: To be friendlyD & C: Where the White House isDilate: To live too longEnema: Not a friendFester: QuickerFibula: A small lieGI series: A soldier ball gameHangnail: A coat hookImpotent: Distinguished, well known
In Iraq right now there are many reporters capturing all the action of
Operation Desert Fox. They have been terified by the noise and intensity
of the cruise missles. One of the missles was so loud, that when it hit,
all the camel alarms started going off.
sex is bad,
its a sin,
sins are forever
“stick it in”.
The 3 biggest lies a cowboy tells:
This here truck is paid for.
I won this belt buckle at the rodeo.
Honest officer, I was just helpin’ the sheep over the fence.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”
He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.
The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!
Un d�a est� Batman limpiando el batimovil y llega Robin a la baticueva y le dice a Batman:
“Batman, dame un besito.”
“Ven aca Robin, �qu� es lo que tu me est�s diciendo?”
“Que me des un besito.”
“Robin deja tu frecura que yo no soy maric�n.”
“Batman, no seas malo dame un besito.”
“Robin co�o que yo no soy maric�n.”
“Batman, mira, no me vengas con cuentos, que anoche cuando salimos de la fiesta de La Mujer Maravilla, que salimos medio borrachos, nos montamos en el batimovil, tu ibas a manejar, y pusiste la primera, brung brung… pusiste la segunda, pusiste la reversa, volviste a poner la primera, la segunda, la tercera, frenabas, pon�as la primera, la segunda, la tercera, volv�as a frenar y volv�as hasta que llegamos a la baticueva.”
“S� �y qu�?”
“Co�o, Batman, no me vengas con cuentos, que tu sabes que el batimovil es autom�tico.”
“Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data
to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to
K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does
the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two
digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We’ll await your direction.”
A note was left on a car that had been given to a garage to be fixed, “Couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend.When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion.So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, and she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
Q:whats the difference between stuff and stuff?
A:I just dont know!