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Red Tomatoes

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A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous!

Un �rabe y un amigo

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Un �rabe y un amigo extranjero est�n conversando:

“�C�mo puedes hacer el amor con las cuarenta esposas que tienes? Seguramente es muy cansado �no?”, pregunta el forastero.

“No, no es cansado, amigo, al contrario: es muy f�cil”, asegura el �rabe.

“Entonces, �cu�l es el secreto?”

“Sencillo, a las cuarenta las coloc� una encima de la otra; luego, a la �ltima le hago el amor y a las restantes les pongo papel carb�nico”.

How to make camping more fun!

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When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate

A Million Ducks

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A man walks into a bar, sits down at a bar stool a says barkeep give me a double scotch.
The barkeep provides the man with his order. The man gulps it down and orders another. The barkeep pours him another. At this point the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano, he reaches again into his pocket and pulls out a little man about a foot tall. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The man downs his next drink and orders another. The bartender is amazed by the music this little man is playing and asks the patron where he found him. The patron replys that he was a wish granted by a genie and produces a lamp from his pocket. The patron says to the barkeep go ahead rub it and a genie will appear. I still have 2 wishes left you may use one. The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man to whisper into his ear a wish and that he would grant it. The man whispers to the genies ear suddenly bam suddenly the bar is full of ducks. The bartender all freaked out yells at the patron. I said million bucks not ducks! The patron replies “do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist? “

Green Navel

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The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”

“Let me put it this way, doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”