Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
Author: admin
Una vecina le dice a
Una vecina le dice a otra:
“Carmen, �est�s enferma? Te lo pregunto porque he visto salir a un m�dico de tu casa esta ma�ana.”
“Mira, vieja chismosa, ayer por la manana yo vi salir a un militar de la tuya y no estamos en guerra, �verdad?”
Nuns Confessional
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man�s private parts.
The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?”
The nun replies, “My right hand.”
The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts.”
The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?”
The nun replies, “My left hand.” The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary�s and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Would you mind if I went first?”
The third nun says, “Sure I don’t care, but would mind telling me why?”
The fourth nun replies, “Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!”
Touchy Feely
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied.
“I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Fishing
Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said ” I will grant you one wish.” Tony thought for a second and said ” I wish this whole lake was beer.”
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said ” You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.”
how do you get a gay guy to have sex with…
how do you get a gay guy to have sex with a girl? shit in her pussy!
You’re a redneck … you think that potted
You’re a redneck if…. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d’ouerve.
Long sexy legs
What did the blonde’s long sexy left leg say to her long sexy right leg?
Nothing, because they have never met.
Irritations in life
1. When people point at their wrist when asking for the time. I know where my fucking watch is, where yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the fucking bathroom is? No!
2. When you go to a movie and someone saysdid you see that? No I paid five dollars to come to the theater and stare at the fucking floor.
3. When I am waiting for a bus and someone asks me if the bus came yet. My reply is Yeah, but ya know, I just decided to wait around for the next one you freakin knobhead.
4. When people say it’s always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would I keep looking if I already found it?
5. When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest fucking thing anyone ever does.
6. When people spend more time and energy looking for the damn TV remote rather than just getting up off their lazy asses and changing the channel manually. Why do people do this?
Written by Brian Carter
Insomnia
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
Out the window
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy”.
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”
First Time Skydiver
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again.
Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks
down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this
guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of
his wits–yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”