Author: admin

Hooker Progress

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Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, “You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I
don’t think I can stay in business at those prices.”

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, “Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to
get that!”

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, “The
both of you don’t know what tough times really are. Back during the
depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just
glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

Ebonics Version of Windows ’98

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Ebonics Version of Windows ’98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled “It be a fresh Window.” It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a “phat getto track that melts ’em down wit dope-ass bass,” The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall – along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with “Dis My Shit.”

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With “Da Hood.”

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: “Marquee,” a lil’ G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or “Flying Bullets,” a ’64 Olds’ loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit = Error
3. U Betta Recognize = Delete
4. Itz All Good = OK
5. 4 Real Doe =Yes
6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
10. Put A Cap In It = Delete
11. Games & Shit = Programs
12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled “Homie Essentials.”

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein’ It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain’t gone Need =Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: “Stuff I ain’t gone need” (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with “Keepin’ it Real.”

A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

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Two guys were talking at work.
“I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.
“What is it?”
“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a
present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I
mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”
“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.
“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”
“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.
The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his
mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family
gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all
for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so
thoughtful!”
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t
used the gift I gave you last year!”

Different Religions

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All of the different religions have varying methods of
determining how much money is given to God and how much they
keep. The Baptists draw a circle on the ground and throw the
money into the air. All of the money that falls in the circle
goes to God and the money outside the circle is kept by the
people. The Methodists also use this method except that they
draw a triangle on the ground instead of a circle. The Catholics
also use this method. But when they throw the money, God keeps
what he wants and they keep what comes down.

The Musical Octopus

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A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here.”The Guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.The bartender says, “Bullshit, no octopus can do that.”The Guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.”The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.The octopus played a song on it.The bartender said, “OK I’m not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.The octopus played them all.The bartender said, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.The Guy said, “Now just wait a minute He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.

N.A.V.Y

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This guy decides to join the navy. on his first day of service, he gets
aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. the
guy asks the sailor showing him around, “what do you guys do around here when
you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”, to which the other
replies, “well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in
the side with the hole.” weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and
remembers the barrel. he climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. flings his
slung out and starts f****** the barrel. it�s simply the best feeling he had
ever experienced, it was truly a success! after he was done, zipped up and
merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks
by. “that barrel really was great! i could do it every day!” to which the other
crewmember replies, “yeah, you can every day except thursday.” confused, the new
guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, “because its your turn in the
barrel on thursday.”

My Poor Defenseless Tit!

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For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram.

“O.K,” I said, “let’s do it.”

“Stand up here real close” she said,

(She got my boob in line)

“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,

“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal,

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down,

My hooter’s in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,

From underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it’s vise-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

“Take a deep breath” she said to me,

Who does she think she’s kidding?!?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

“There, that’s good,” I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from `oth up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides.

I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold.

I have no wish to see again,

My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have gone “ker-pow!”

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I’d like to stick his balls in there,

And see how THEY come out.