Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Author: admin
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
”Only a shilling to bury an attorney?”, said the Justice, ”Here’s a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.”
The Top 15 Possible Scandals Involving Prince Charles
15> Used the words “British” and “cuisine” in the same sentence.
14> Appears in a Paris Hilton video (the one in which he’s in a compromising position with a male royal servant at the Paris Hilton).
13> Was caught corking his polo mallet.
12> Practices wearing his mother’s lime green dress with matching handbag, hat and shoes for the day he’ll officially be queen.
11> Has been hiding Saddam’s WMDs behind his ears all this time.
10> Returned a rented Trans Am with a ding in the bumper, less than half a tank of gas and suspicious stains on the rear upholstery.
9> Illegally picked up pirated cable stations with his satellite-dish ears.
8> Document discovered at Roswell details how the elongated fingers were shortened, the oversized cranium was shrunk and the big, black eyes were narrowed, but nobody remembered to fix the ears.
7> Two words: naked cricket.
6> Because he once painted raunchy nudes of Camilla, he now wants to be referred to as “the Prince Formerly Known as Artist.”
5> Caught humping the wax figure of Margaret Thatcher in Madame Tussaud’s.
4> One night, after too many glasses of port, he was caught carousing in Piccadilly and asking young women if they’d like to see “Buckingham Phallus.”
3> Had a romantic liaison with someone to which he was not in any way related.
2> He and his droogies indulged in a bit of the old “in/out” while wearing masky-waskies and listening to Ludwig Van.
1> In a secret ceremony, he knighted beefeaters Timothy and Christopher, then demoted himself to rear admiral.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Dr. Seuss’s lost tongue twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Wishes at law office
A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.”
Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the associate. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Headache Cure
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.””Perfect” her husband said.”I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,… it’s up to you!”
“Way to go team!”
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
“Way to go team!”
Piss Drunk
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a
beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, �Bet
you $20 I can bite my eye.� The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then
calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a
twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the
bar and says rather drunkenly, �Hey barkeep, bet you another $20 I can bite my
other eye.� Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man
has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his
false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over
another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few
more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the
bartender, �Hey, barkeep,� he burbles, �I’ll give you a chance to win year money
back plus. Bet you $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I
stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.� The bartender
eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbly climbs atop
the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up,
sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproariously. �What’s so
funny?� says the barkeep, �you just lost everything you won and more!� �Well,�
giggles the man, �I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all
over your bar and you wouldn’t get angry.�
Vacation at a Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and
plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom
says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
daddy’s!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they
are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says…”Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!”
DeVries’s Dilemma: If you hit
DeVries’s Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper.
Un joven llamado Alf Ondo
Un joven llamado Alf Ondo se encuentra a una t�a por el parque con ganas de “mene�to”. Y ella le dice: “Dame 5 euros y te dejar� tocarme mis bolitas”.
Al chaval le mola la idea y decide ir a ped�rselo a su madre con el pretexto de comprar chucher�as. Tras el “acto” la tipa qued� flipada y le propuso que, a cambio de 10 euros le iba a dejar nada menos que met�rsela un “poquito”.
De nuevo, le dice a su mami que si las chuches, los caramelos… Finalmente lo logra y acude al punto X, y finalmente le dice que se la meter� hasta el fondo si cobra la friolera de �20 euros!
Encantado, intenta convencer a su cansada y desconfiada madre por todos los medios de que ser� lo �ltimo que pida en su vida. Sospechando de su hijo, va a espiarlo y se lo encuentra con la puta:
“�AA_A_AAHH…! �MMMPF!”
La madre furiosa grita:
“�ALF ONDOOOOOO!”
Y �l dice:
“�Que ya lo intento, co�o!”
Whats the diff ?
Whats the differance between toilet paper and a shower curtan ? / Don,t know ? – So youre the one !