Q. What would a hillbilly change his name to–who had finished third grade successfully, moved to Ohio, got a job in a factory, and moved into a better trailer park?A. Mount William
Author: admin
Dolly & Diana at the Pearly Gates
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St.Peter
must decide which of them gets in.
St.Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she
should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at
these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created and I’m
sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for
eternity.”
St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana
drops her skirt and panties,takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.”
Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was all that about? I show
you two of God’s best creations, she performs a disgusting,
pornographic act and she gets in and I don’t?!”
“Sorry, Dolly but a royal flush beats a great pair any day.”
Yo mama sod damm stupid
yo mama so stupid she got locked in a open room
yo mama so stupid she Tried to do a driveby with a weel chair and a water gun
yo mama so damm stupid she put two qarter in her ear and thoght she was Listening to the new 50 cent
Un padre estaba muy al
Un padre estaba muy al tanto de la tecnolog�a, y se compr� un equipo para poner penitencias en el confesionario…
Un dia llega un muchacha y se empieza a confesar con el padre, “Padre he pecado, f�jese que mi novio me toc� y me gust� padre.”
El padre ingresa el dato en su computadora y le sale “2 padres nuestros y 1 avemar�a”
Sigue la muchacha, “F�jese padre que mi novio me quit� la ropa…”
Y el padre vuelve a ingresar el dato y le sale en la pantalla “5 padres nuestros y 10 avemar�as.”
Pero la muchacha sigue y le dice, “Padre, f�jese que mi novio me meti� la puntita.”
El padre ingresa el dato y la m�quina empieza a pitar y chillar �beep, peep! ERROR ERROR, y el padre, desesperado, le dice a la muchacha, “�Hija, ve a que te la metan completa porque esta cosa no trabaja con decimales!”
Committed Man?
Q: Where would you find a committed man?
A: In a mental hospital.
Dos amigos est�n en el
Dos amigos est�n en el estadio viendo un partido de f�tbol del equipo de su pueblo que est� m�s aburrido que una fiesta de carpetas. De repente, uno le dice al otro:
“�Ves ese calvo que tengo delante, �se que est� como un armario?”
“S�, �qu� pasa?”
“�Qu� te juegas a que le meto una chota en la nuca?”
“�Qu� dices, t�o? �Venga, me juego una cena si quieres!”
“Vale”.
El t�o levanta la mano y le zurra una al calvo que le deja marca en el cuello. �ste se da la vuelta encendido:
“�Ahhhh! �Qui�n ha sido? �Que me lo cargo!”
“�Pepeeeeeee! �Joder, cu�nto tiempo, t�o!”
“�Qu�? �Yo no soy Pepe!”, responde indignado el calvo.
“Ah, lo siento perdona. Me he confundido de persona”.
“Que no se repita…”
“Vale, vale”.
Pasan los minutos y el partido sigue igual de aburrido.
“Oye, �te juegas algo a que le doy otra a�n m�s fuerte?”
“Lo que quieras, t�o, me juego lo que quieras”.
El peg�n mira al calvo fijamente; espera a que est� distra�do y…
“Este es el momento”, piensa.
Se pone de pie, levanta la mano y le suelta una que lo tira del asiento.
“�AHHHHHH! �Pero bueno, qu� pasa contigo, te voy a matar!”
“�Pepe, co�o, a m� no me enga�as, t� eres Pepe!”
“�QUE NOOOOOO! �A LA MIERDAA! �QUE NO SOY PEPEEEEE!”
“Hostia, t�o, lo siento, estaba convencido. Ya me ha quedao claro, perdona”.
“GRRRR…”
Total que termina el partido, y cuando est�n saliendo del campo, ven un poco delante de ellos sobresalir la calva del pobre hombre.
“�A que le meto otra m�s fuerte?”
“�Qu�? Me juego si quieres la paga de la semana”.
“Vale. Atento”.
El t�o que coge carrerilla y empieza a apartar a la gente:
“A ver, por favor, se�ora, que voy a zurrarle al calvo. Ese perro, por favor, �de qui�n es, que molesta?”
En eso, sale corriendo con el pu�o cerrado alzado. La gente animando:
“�EH, EH, EH, EH, EH!”
Cuando llega donde est� el calvo, salta y le da con toda su alma en la nuca. El calvo da dos vueltas de campana; arrolla a una viejecita y se empotra contra un �rbol. Aturdido mira hacia atr�s con los ojos inyectados en sangre y murmura:
“�Q… Qu� co�o…!”
“���PEPEEEEEEE, JODER, T�O, EN EL CAMPO HE VISTO UNO QUE ERA IGUAL QUE T�!!!”
You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.You don’t
You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.You don’t understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won’t go hungry.
Brotherly love
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.
So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, “Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?”
He says, “No, why? You got someone lined up for me?”
“You might say that. Why don’t you take me to the prom?”
“Take you? You kidding? You’re my sister!”
“Well, are you taking somebody else out?”
“You know I don’t have a date, sis.”
“And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we?” Her brother nods.
She continues, “So we should go with each other.”
The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he’ll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.
Then, while he’s standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
“Hey, brother, let’s dance. “
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. “Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”
“Don’t be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?”
“Oh . . . all right. “
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it’s over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, “Let’s not go straight home.”
He gives her a curious look and says, “What are we going to do instead?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, “Want to find some place to park?”
“Hell,” he says, “are you crazy? You’re my sister, I’m not going parking with you!”
“Who said anything about ‘going parking’? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
“Hey . . . ” she says.
“What?”
“Why don’t you kiss me?”
“You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister! “And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. You’ve mentioned that a lot lately. And you’re my brother. And don’t we love each other? Why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”
“Do what?” said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
“You know what,” his sister replied.
“I can’t do that with you, you’re my. . . ” His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, “You know, you’re a lot lighter than Dad.”
“I know,” said her brother. “Mom told me.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Camping Trip
Two guys have been camping in the woods for over a week and are
beginning to get a little annoyed with each other. One says to
the other, “Today we should spend some time apart. You hike to
the north, I’ll hike to the south and then we will meet back
here and discuss our hikes over a campfire.”
The day turns to night and the two men meet at the campsite and
one says to the other, “So,how was your day?”
“Oh, it was fabulous. I hiked towards the south, down into the
valley and swam in this crystal blue stream and laid out in the
sun until I was dry. When I woke up I saw a deer drinking from
the stream and it was the most serene vision I have ever had.
How was your day?”
The other camper says, “Well, I hiked north and came upon these
railroad tracks. I followed them until I found this woman tied
to the tracks so I untied her and we had sex all day long, in
every position imaginable. It was the best sex I ever had and
when we just couldn’t do it anymore, I hiked back here.”
The other camper responds, “Wow! your day was much better than
mine! Did you get a blowjob too?”
“Nah, I couldn’t find her head.”
Black eye
A woman came to work with a black eye.
“Who did you that?”
“Husband.”
“We thought he was on a business trip.”
“That’s what I thought too.”
Consulting the Rabbi before marriage
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.” “So I can’t dance with my own wife?””No.””Well, okay,” says the man, “But what about sex?” “Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!” “What about different positions?” the man asks.”No problem,” says the rabbi.”Woman on top?” the man asks.”Why not?” replies the rabbi.”How about doggie-style?””Of course!””Well, what about standing up?””NO!” says the rabbi….”Why Not???” asks the man.”Could lead to dancing!”
Washing the little P
A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath and told him he would have to wash his own privates.”Privates?!” he shouted.”At my age they should be at least Generals by now.”