Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns.

In an effort to get them to move, one of the men said in a very loud voice, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there.”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said “Why don’t you go to hell…..there aren’t any nuns there.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis, Tantilazing
and calamjo

Kennedy and Lincoln

Dont know how much of it is accurate…

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford.’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln’ made by ‘Ford.’

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here’s the kicker…

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh?

Speeding Blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.”I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?””What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.”It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.”Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.”Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.”It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.”I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?””Yes.” replied the officer”Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher”Uh… yes.” replied the cop.”Here’s what you do.” said the dispatcher.”Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.””What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.”Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.The blonde looks down and sighs…..”Ohh no… not another breathalyser.

Help!

One night a girl named Jamie had a dream. She dreamed she was being chased
by a lion. Up ahead she saw a tree. She decided to climb up it to escape.
When she had almost reached the top she heard a hissing sound. She looked
up. It was a snake. THere she was trapped in the middle of the tree, with
a snake coming towards her an the lion at the bottom.

Question: How did she escape?

Answer: She woke up.

Windows 98 Recall

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version

The huge college freshman

The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you
tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone
pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just
over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he
said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

Software Engineers D

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

How to call someone Stupid

Politically correct ways to call someone stupid

A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a happy meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead
Not the coldest beer in the fridge
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
All foam, no beer
Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Has the IQ of a house plant
As smart as bait
Chimney’s clogged
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the chanels
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
The lights are on but no-one’s home
The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished
2 sticks short of a bundle
A few pints short of a quart
Cables connected, no voltage
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
One neuron short of a synapse