I’ll give you a nice long wet kiss To start off our yule tide bliss Then once I’ve romanced ya It’s time I depantsed ya By whipping your zipper like this!
Author: admin
El d�a de recreo en
El d�a de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:
“�Qu� es lo que est� pasando?”
Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las dem�s. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que suced�a dice:
“�No se peleen m�s, porque si no le pongo el asiento!”
Kiss me
A woman is in her doctor’s office, and suddenly shouts out, “Doctor, kiss me.”
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once.”
Again, he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; “Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!”
“Look” he says, “I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
What do you give a sick Bird?…
What do you give a sick Bird?
Tweetment!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has for the President
12. “Let’s speed this up–who *haven’t* you nailed?”
11. “Aha! So you admit you’ve had sex!!!! What’s it like? Is it fun?”
10. “And the situation in Bosnia didn’t distract you from the booty call?”
9. “Can I have some of those fries?”
8. “Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?”
7. “Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!”
6. “Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?”
5. “Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?”
4. “Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?”
3. “Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?”
2. “Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?”
1. “Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?”
The Job
An Indian is sitting at a bar when a gay guy walks up to him and buys him a beer. They start talking and a little while later the gay says to the Indian, “Hey, what do you say I take you out back and give you a blow job?”
The Indian stands up drags the fag outside and beats the shit out of him. Then comes back in the bar and sits down. Then the bartender walks up and asks, “So what did that guy say to you to piss you off so bad?”
The Indian looks up and says, “I don’t know, something about a fucking job.”
Attorney Season
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout ‘whiplash’, ‘ambulance’, or ‘free Perrier’ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, brothels, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder – 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor – 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator – 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) – 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut – 2
6. Honest Attorney – EXTINCT
7. Cutthroat – 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner – 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser – 2
10.Silver-tongued Drug Defender – $100 BOUNTY
The Reply
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney,
during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Packard — after you put the arsenic
in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse
for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped
the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.
Professions
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a”brief.”
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she likedchildren.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
YO MAMA
YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!
Thermometers
Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? A: The taste.
Addicted to AOL!
1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!