There was a scottish man who lived next to an englishman in Scottland.The scottsman owns chicken that lays an egg every morning that the scottsman eats for breakfeast. One day the chicken laid an egg in the englishmans backyard.After seeing this the scottsman goes nextdoor and asks the englishman for the egg. The englishman tells him “No it was laid on my property so the egg is mine.” After arguing for a while the scottsman says “It is tradition to settle these matters by kicking eachother right between the legs and whoever gets up first wins!” The englishman agrees.SO the scottsman goes first and finds his biggest,heaviest,and sturdiest boots he owns, and kicks the englishman where it hurts. The englishman falls to ground and after about a minute afterwards he gets back up and says “O its my turn.”then the scottish man says “No thats ok you can keep the egg,”
Author: admin
Beware the wrath of a
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Antes: Dos por noche. Despu�s:
Antes: Dos por noche. Despu�s: Dos por mes.
Antes: �Me dejas sin aliento! Despu�s: �Me est�s ahogando!
Antes: �No pares! Despu�s: �No empieces!
Antes: Saturday Night Fever. Despu�s: Monday Night Football.
Antes: ‘El sonido de la m�sica’. Despu�s: ‘Los sonidos del silencio’.
Antes: Estar a tu lado. Despu�s: �Hazte a un lado!
Antes: Me gustan las mujeres llenitas. Despu�s: �Nunca me gustaron las gordas!
Antes: �Qu� lunar m�s lindo tienes! Despu�s: Esa verruga �cu�ndo te la operas?
Antes: Me pregunto qu� har�a sin ella. Despu�s: Me pregunto qu� hago con ella.
Antes: Er�tica. Despu�s: Neur�tica.
Antes: Parece que estamos juntos desde siempre. Despu�s: �Siempre estamos juntos!
Antes: Ella adora c�mo controlo las situaciones. Despu�s: Ella dice que soy un manipulador eg�latra.
Antes: Anoche lo hicimos en el sof�. Despu�s: Anoche dorm� en el sof�.
Antes: Hab�a una vez. Despu�s: Fin.
Little Head
There was a man sittin in a bar with a small head and a man opposite him. The 2nd man crossed to the first and said ” i cant help but notice how out of proportion your head is to your body how did it happen?”
The man with the small head said” buy me a beer and al tell u the story”
He bought the beer and the story begun.
” well a was oan ma ship wi the crew n the ship began to sink. I swam for a while till a saw a mermaid oan a rock. she swam to me and told me she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.”
“So my first wish was that i wood b rescued and soon a ship was sailing my way. then my second was that i wood have a big muscly body and i got one. then for my 3rd wish i thought for a while and came up that i wanted to have sex with the mermaid but she explained that since she was part fish it wouldnt work so again a thought for a while then i decided that she could give me head down below so i announced to her my third wish is that you give me a little head !”
Pizza phone pranks
1. If using a touch tone phone push random numbers while talking and ask the person to stop that.
2. Use CB lingo.
3. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
4. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
5. Instead of naming the toppings, spell them out.
6. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
7. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
8. If they repeat your order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99, please pull to the next window.”
9. Try to rent a pizza.
10. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
11. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther away as you speak. When the call ends, jerk it back and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
12. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
13. Ask to see a menu.
14. Report a petty theft.
15. If they suggest something, adamantly declare, “I will not be swayed by your sweet words.”
17. Start your conversation with, “My call to Pizza Hut, Take one… and…. ACTION!”
18. Act nervous and press 9-1-1 every five seconds throughout the order.
19. After ordering, say, “I wonder what this button does” and simulate a cut-off.
20. Start your conversation by reciting the day’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
21. Say, “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt” rather loudly and ask them if they felt that.
22. Teach the order taker a secret code and use it on all subsequent orders.
23. When the price is quoted,say, “Ooooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
24. If they suggest a side order ask, “Why are you punishing me?”
25. Have a movie with a car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell, “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
26. Dance around the word “pizza” and avoid it at all costs. If they say it, say, “Please don’t mention that word!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
What is Matzo
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this?!”
Blonde with Big Tummy
Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Trish: Really? What color?
Bad Hemorrhoids
This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the
doctor. The doctor says, “It’s not too bad, you just need to put
these suppositories up your ass.” The doctor then says, “I’ll
give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you
the second this evening.” The man replies, “Okay.” Later that
evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor
said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his
shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy
screams “Oh My God!!” “What’s wrong?” The man replies, “I just
realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when
he gave me my medicine.”
Roosters and insomniacs
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Chelsea , Clinton, Hillary
This one is sickeningly cute:
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House
and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the
greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with
you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but
she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around
with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t
marry him.” Chelsea was heart-broken.
After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came
home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting
married in June.” Again her father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news.
“Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
Chelsea was furious!
She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. “Dad has done so much
harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I
fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”
Hillary just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear.
He’s not really your father.”
The right watch
A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say ” Its because the watch is on your right hand.”The man puts the watch on his left hand and says “Oh there we go!”
What do you call an
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?
– One in a million.