admin – Page 2036 – Purpee Jokes

Food in Heaven

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the
Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.

“I could eat,” said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and
noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant,
pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry,
and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down
below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb,
truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was
opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as
a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all
I get to eat is tuna. But in the other place, they eat like
kings. I just don’t understand.”

“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people,
does it pay to cook?

The Ongoing Note

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING,
ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

Forgetfulness

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

William’s wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

“Well,” William answered. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”

Smartest Man in the

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

Making a List…

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

Hypochondriac

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. “I’m sure I’ve got a liver disease, and I’m gonna die from it.”

“Ridiculous,” said the doctor. “You’d never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there’s no discomfort of any kind.”

“Right,” said Herman. “Those are my exact symptoms.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Bejewelled Portrait

Posted on February 11, 2017February 11, 2009 by admin

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

“But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“True enough,” said Mrs. Whembleton. “If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!”