Married Ten Years

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” “Why complain ?” said the counsellor, “You’re still getting the same service !”

Once an Italian, a Polish person and Czechoslovakian…

Once an Italian, a Polish person and Czechoslovakian went camping.

While they were sleeping two giant bears came and ate them all. The
rangers came and found the torn up camp site. Then they saw the bears.
They shot the bears and cut open the female. In the bear they found the
Italian and the Polish person. One ranger said to the other “where’s the
Czechosolvakian?” The other ranger said: “the Czech’s in the male.”

Come back here

There were 3 men stranded on an island. they all went in search of life when they came across a bottle. they rub the bottle and poof, out comes a geanie. alright you got one wish each the geanie said. the first guy said i want to be back home with all my family and friends and poof he was gone. then the second guy said id like to be back home with all my friends since i have no family. then the 3rd guy said well i have no family or friends so i wish for the other 2 guys to come back.

Ver� se�or juez:

Ver� se�or juez:

Tuve la desgracia de casarme con una viuda. De haberlo sabido no me hubiese casado, porque ella ten�a una hija.

Mi padre era viudo y para mayor desgracia se enamor� de la hija de mi mujer, de manera que mi esposa era suegra de mi padre, y al mismo tiempo �l era mi yerno.

Al poco tiempo mi padre trajo al mundo un var�n que era mi hermano, pero era nieto de mi mujer, de manera que yo era abuelo de mi hermano.

Al correr el tiempo mi mujer trajo al mundo un var�n, y como era hermano de mi madre era cu�ado de mi padre y t�o de su hijo, mi mujer era suegra de su propia hija, yo en cambio, soy padre de mi madre, mi padre y su mujer son mis hijos y adem�s yo soy mi propio abuelo.

Ya ve se�or juez, me despido del mundo por que no s� quien soy.

Una noche, el padre va

Una noche, el padre va hasta la habitaci�n de su peque�o hijo y lo escucha rezar: “Dios bendiga a mam�, a pap� y a la abuela. Adi�s abuelo”. Al padre le extra�a un poco pero lo olvida, son cosas de chicos. Pero al d�a siguiente el abuelo muere y le vienen a la memoria las palabras de su hijo.

Un a�o despu�s, y con el asunto olvidado, el padre nuevamente sorprende al peque�o rezando: “Dios bendiga a mam� y a pap�. Adi�s abuela”. El padre se asusta cuando al d�a siguiente la abuela muere, pero no se anima a cont�rselo a nadie para que no lo tomen por loco.

Tiempo despu�s, el padre escucha en la noche: “Dios bendiga a mam�. Adi�s pap�”. El padre casi muere del susto en ese mismo momento. No pega un ojo en toda la noche y se levanta bien temprano, va en autom�vil a la hora que no hay tr�nsito para evitar riesgos, pasa todo el d�a encerrado en su oficina; desayuna, almuerza y cena en el trabajo. Cuando se hace la medianoche regresa a su casa aliviado. Al llegar, la mujer le exige una explicacion por la tardanza, el hombre s�lo alcanza a decir: “Disculpa, tuve un dia terrible”. Entonces enfurecida la mujer le grita: “�T� tuviste un d�a terrible? �Y el m�o? Hoy vino el vecino y se muri� en la puerta de casa”.

Love & Marriage Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
– David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
– Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
– Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
— Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.
– Mae West

“I was married by a judge…I should have asked for a jury.”
– George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

Colin Powell

The in-flight hostess on Air Force One asked Colin Powell if he’d like
anything to drink
”I’d like an M L,” he answered.
The hostess asked, �What�s an M L?”
Powell responded, ” A Miller Light.”
Then she asked Donald Rusted if he’d like anything.
“Game a B L,” Rusted replied.
”What’s a B L?” She queried.
”Bud Light” came the answer.
“Anything for you, Mr. president?” she asked.
”Bring me a 15,” George W. Bush ordered.
“I don’t understand,” she confessed, “What’s a fifteen?”
To which George retorted: “7&7, Duh!!!”

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the
hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, �Hey Tim, what’re you in for?�
�I’m getting my tonsils out — I’m a little worried,� said Tim.
�Oh don’t worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to
eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!�
�Oh yeah?” replied Tim. �That’s not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you?
What’re you here for?�
�I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,� Sammy answered.
�Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t
walk for two years!�

one liners

1) Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
2) Life sucks …. and then you die!
3) What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?!
4) If life is so perfect why are you still here?!
5) Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
and so are you,
but the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl is empty,
and so is your head.