Yours Fun Portal !
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says “Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?”
The man replied, “Don’t ask me lady. I’m just a painter!”
A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America’s fifth largest city)
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.
3. All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has
no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
“scenic drive.”
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday
morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of
entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh,
we’re in Fort Worth!!”
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of
Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright
sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t
ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given
right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone…people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and
“trap.”
21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.
23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.
24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”
Loz: “Yeah, I’m married, too!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it
rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing
on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning,
he delivered the specifications for the ark.
“Okay,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m
your man.”
“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my
ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is my ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the
ground right beside Noah.
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but
your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the
plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system.
“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.
“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood
to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.
“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
“Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t
complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent
them a globe!
“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.
“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the
country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord, “the government already has.”
Llega la madre a la casa, con su hija ciega, y le dice:
“Hija, compr� una crema, que cuando te la aplique, despu�s de 4 horas vas a volver a ver.”
Y la hija dice: “Dale mam�, pon�mela.”
A la primer hora: “Mam�, mam�, sac�mela”
Y la madre dice: “Esper� hija, faltan 3 horas.”
As� hasta la �ltima hora, y dice: “Dale mam�, no aguanto m�s.”
“Est� bien, dice la madre.” Le saca la crema, y la hija se larga a llorar, y dice: “Mam�, mam�, no veo.”
Y la madre le responde: “Hija, �FELIZ D�A DE LOS INOCENTES!”
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Q: Why do so many black people move to Detroit?
A: Because they heard there were no jobs there.
Fred goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.” The doctor says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.” Fred replies, “Doc, I just want to be castrated and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?” The doctor says, “Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but alright.” He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. “Well, Doc, how’d it go?” Fred asks. “It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my…” “Circumcised!” yells Fred. “That’s the word!”
CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey… “Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.”
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine�s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: �Ho hum�, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided too stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it,I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending… this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ————–(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you’re thinking you only think that you’re thinking. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation? Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
yo mammas so fat wen she got pulled over and the cop asked for her D/L it said to be continued
yo mamas so fat shes got a peg leg with a kickstand
yo mamas so fat when i showed her a picture of her feet she couldnt id them