Desert island encounter

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic !” Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God ! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Lexus Shopping

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

Cunning Plan

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “Only a quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts!” “No way, dude. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Blonde walks

A blonde walks into a library and shouts “I’ll have a burger and fries”

The lady at the desk says “Sorry madam, this is a library!”

The blonde replies “I know, I’ll have a burger and fries please”

The lady at the counter says “No, i dont think you understand, this is a
library!”

The blonde says “Oh, sorry” and whispers, “I’ll have a burger and fries”!

Field Trip to the Zo

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra.TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.They come to the elephant.TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is?JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant?TEACHER: Very good, Jane.They come to the baboon cage.TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?No response.Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try?BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face… must be a truck driver.

A Blonde’s Golf Accident

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man
as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his
hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says
that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They
unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better and he says,
“That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!”

An old farmer

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and
the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt. So he buys a new cock
from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he’s a little
worried. So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I’ve got to
do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, ‘So you’re the
new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff don’t you? Well I’m
not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to
prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run
around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself.’ Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. ‘You’re on’, he said, ‘and since I’m so
great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy!’

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the
hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old
rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still
hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young fell.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his
shotgun, and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the
henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes
his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…..

‘Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.’