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This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, �Pay a
dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free Beer.�
The guy does this and gets his free beer.
The next night the guy sees a different sign.
It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry, and get a free beer. He does this
and gets his free beer.
The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?”
The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then
his and to make him cry I showed him”
“I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all
throughout our society.” �George W. Bush, Waco, Texas, Aug 13 2002.
New Corporate Cost-Cutting Policy Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply: Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. Transportation Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Meals Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Miscellaneous All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
(instrumental intro)
No WMD’s have been discovered,
Though Bush says that can’t be so.
But now his polling numbers have hovered
So low; it grieves him, so low.
Shrub plays hero at home – what a phony.
To war, rushed along, with Blair.
The Shrub keeps on selling war; insures only
The flow of oil; his chair.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
And his thousand lies… can’t help to free… Iraq democracy.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied; many thousands died.
War’s the way Bush pursues his quarry.
War’s the game he wants to play.
Got Saddam out, without really tryin’.
Our GI’s get killed every day.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
And his thousand lies… can’t help to free… Iraq democracy.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied; many thousands died.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
Through his thousand lies, the Shrub will screw
No matter what or who.
He can never disguise all his warmonger lied.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied: many thousands died.
This rope walks into a bar and says,”Get me a beer!” The bar tender relies,”We don’t serve beers to ropes here.”So the rope walks out and sees this guy walking down the sidewalk and says,”Tie me in a knot and fray the end.”So the guy does so. Then the rope walks back in the bar and says,”Get me a beer!” The bar tender replies,”Aren’t you the same rope who just came in here?”The rope says,”Fraid Knot!”
15> My old bronc, he done went wild,
threw me, and I swear he smiled
as I lay dazed, there in the grass,
plucking cactus from my ass.
14> Two roads diverged in a snowy wood,
and I reckoned I’d mosey down the one less headed-off,
and the way I see it, that made one heckuva difference.
13> I never saw a purple cow,
but one wouldn’t cause a fustle,
‘Twouldn’t matter ’bout its color, see?
It’s jist one more thing to rustle!
12> You say “perambulate.” I say “mosey.”
You say “greetings.” I say “howdy.”
“Perambulate,” “mosey,” “greetings,” “howdy.”
Let’s call the whole thang off.
11> Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
While more discerning men might disagree,
I’ve seen but cows and cowboys since May —
you got boobs and a pulse, you’re fine by me!
10> Denim sky stretched out above me.
O bovine and equine, sweet moos and sweet nays.
How do I love thee? Let me mount the ways.
9> I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande.
I’ve driven cattle all over this land.
I don’t have mad cow disease, I tell you true,
Or my name ain’t Quack Quack Whistledy-Moo.
8> I’ve got spurs that jingle jangle jingle,
but you’ll have to pay an extra $20 for that, pardner.
7> Twinkle twinkle, little star,
How you mock me from afar.
‘Neath your radiance, I lament.
Who in blazes stole my tent?
6> I signaled my horse in a code called Morse:
“SOS… SOS… SOS.”
But the danged nag just stood like he was made of wood
‘Cause he can’t read.
“SOS… SOS… SOS.”
5> Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the windy effects of beans and beer.
4> We rode into town
to dance at the hoedown
when I first met my sweet Linda Sue.
I left my bed with a bound,
for in the morn’ I had found
in the night all them whiskers she’d grew.
3> Jack ‘n’ Jill went up Boot Hill,
’cause Jack, he had a hankerin’.
Tipped his cap, and said, “Gid’yap!”
as he gave her rump a spankerin’.
2> Tiger, tiger, burning bright
in the forest of the night.
How’d you get to cowboy plains
and what is it you’re stalking?
Have you come to feed on me,
or is it the peyote talking?
1> She rides in beauty, like the night,
upon her horse with blanket fleece.
In Rocky Mountain jeans so tight,
and smells of KC Masterpiece.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
10. Eight hour lunch, two-dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Como!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for
dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.
Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from
the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather
flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked
for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured
‘Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would.
Except he’s not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all
out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put
it under her skirt. About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of
the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a
fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I
found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she
got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open,
and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said
it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about
the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave
and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s
head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her
legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by
lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis
started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed
the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of
its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a
little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the
eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by
sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally
killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s
boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Greta!Greta who!Greta job!
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.
(He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.
A good craftsman never blames his tools.
(This is because a good craftsman wouldn’t be caught dead with bad tools.)
Three men escape from prison. The first tells the others that the security will soon be looking for them.
So, he suggests that each one of them climb a tree, and when the guards come, to make animal sounds and hopefully they will move on. All agree, and they all climb into different trees and try to hide.
A while later, security guards arrive and began searching. They thought they saw something in the first man’s tree, so they shine their flashlight into the branches and say “Anyone UP there?” “Tweet, Tweet” comes from the tree, so one of the guards says “Oh, it’s only a bird!, move on.” The guards then look into another tree and says “Anyone UP there?” and the second man replies
“Whhoo, Whhoo”. “Ah! It’s only an owl!, lets go!” The guards proceed to look at the next tree, and ask “I wonder if one of the prisoners are up there?”
Shining the flashlight, they listened intently…
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”