Author: admin

Who Gives A F—

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Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?”

The second one says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school.”

The first one says, “Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?”

The second one says, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a fuck,’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”

What a goof!

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
“I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”

Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”
Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”

Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?”
Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”

Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”

————-
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
“Parking for drive-through customers only!”
————-

Vacation

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For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

Giving birth in the year 4000

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In the year 4000, scientists invented a machine that transferred
the pain of childbearing from the mother to the father.
Hal and Binky are going to have septuplets, and they decide to
try the new machine. As Binky goes into labor, she and Hal go to
the hospital and get hooked up to the machine.
As the pain starts to get unbearable, the doctor turns on the
machine and Binky starts to feel better. But something that
baffles the doctor is that Hal doesn’t feel any pain. So he
turns it up a notch. Binky feels great, the pain is getting to
be less and less, but Hal still doesn’t feel anything. Their
first baby is born and the doctor turns up the machine all the
way.
Binky feels great. She’s giving birth to seven kids and doesn’t
feel a thing. So does Hal. “I don’t know what you women are
complaining about. Labor isn’t bad at all” he says to his wife.
The next day, they take their seven babies home, and dead on the
doorstep, is the milkman.

(get it?? the milkman is the father!!! lol!! you better laugh!!!)

Sexual Protection

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”

Yo Mama

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  • Yo mama’s so old her birth certificate says expired.
  • Yo mama’s so old her social security number is one.
  • Yo mama’s so old I told her to act her age and the bitch dropped dead.
  • Yo mama’s such a whore that I could’ve been Yo daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
  • Yo mama’s so dirty, she has to creep up on bathwater.
  • Yo mama’s so smelly, that her shit is glad to escape.
  • Yo mama’s so ugly the doctor is still smacking her ass
  • Yo mama’s so fat, her belly button’s got an echo.
  • Yo mama’s so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked ”Who threw that rock?”
  • Yo mama’s so fat, she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
  • Yo mama’s so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
  • Yo mama’s so fat, when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
  • Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips.
  • Yo mama’s so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint roller.
  • Yo mama’s so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
  • Yo mama’s so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • Yo mama’s so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put ”O.K.”
  • Yo mama’s so stupid, your dad said it was chilly outside, she went and got a spoon.
  • Yo mama’s so stupid, that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
  • Yo mama’s so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

I Want to Go to Hell

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One night at church the preacher was preaching that Jesus went to Hell to
take the keys of death and Hell from Satan. So one day it was stormy and
my 4yr old son was getting scared. I told him he was ok and that God would
keep us and him safe. Then I told him that even if something did happen
that we would go to Heaven. He says, “I don’t want to go to Heaven.” So I
asked him, “You want to go to Hell?” He said “Yes cause Jesus is there.”

Of course I had alot of explainning to do. LOL this is a true story by the
way.

I'm not Drunk…

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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Bad gums

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There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boy’s mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, “Listen son, don’t go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they’ve got teeth down there.”

The boy listened intently to his father’s advice.

Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.

Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father’s advice and shies away.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there.” replied the young man.

“Of course we haven’t got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.”

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he’s poking around, examining the lady’s most private parts.

“Hmmmm. I don’t see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Irishman Drunk and F

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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.