Why is Italy shapped like a boot?
– Because they can’t fit all
that crap in a tennis shoe.
Author: admin
A Brunette, Redhead,and a Blonde
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde are talking when the brunette
says,”I was looking through my daughters purse and I found
cigarettes. I didn’t even know that she smoked.” The redhead
then says,”Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I
found a joint. I didn’t even know she did drugs.” Lastly, the
blonde
says,”Well I was looking through my daughters purse and I found
condoms. I didn’t even know that she had a dick!”
Sooner…
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Nuts
A lady reporter was looking for a story to cover one day and decided to do one on the nuthouse in town.
She went to the nuthouse and asked the administrator if she could interview some of the patients.
The adminstrator told her that she couldn’t because it might upset the patients.
Not giving up, she decided to sneak in at night. When she broke in, she went to a long hallway full of doors.
She went into one door and there was a guy swinging an imaginary bat.
She said, “Why the hell are you doing that?”
The man replied, “Oh, I’m a baseball player. I’m not crazy or anything like that. In fact, I’ll be out in a couple of days.”
The woman thought to herself, “Well, that wouldn’t make much of a story.”
She then decided to go into another room and saw a man swinging an imaginary tennis racket.
She asked the man, “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m a tennis player, I’m not insane. I’ll be out by tomorrow.” the man replied.
Feeling disappointed, she decided to leave. On her way out she saw another door that was cracked open just a hair.
She peeked inside and saw a man taking a bag of peanuts, crushing them up in his hand, putting them all over his dick and wacking off.
She said, “What are you doing that for?”
The man replied, “Because I’m Fucking nuts and I’m gonna be here a while!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe
HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY
STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
STEP 15: TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE LURKEY
STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT=2
Spanish dining
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. “These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.”The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, “These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.” “Yes, senor,” replied the waiter, “You see…the bull, he does not always lose.
Tabletop Viagra
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.’Not a chance’ says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.’A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. ‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.”What happened?’ asks the doctor.’Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘was the sex not good?'”Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again.
fire in the building
there was a fire in a shoe factory…one hundred soles were lost
I’m Winning!
A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 mor cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, ” Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?”
The blonde turns around and says, ” Like duh not when I am winning!! “
The laws of golf
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Isn’t that the Way it always is?
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Q: How many smokers
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.