A doctor was waiting for his next patient and when they arrived, it was a georgeous blonde. The doctor almost lost his control because he was so attracted. He let all professionalism go out the window and walked over to her. “What is your name miss?” he asked. “Allie” she replied. He began to feel her breasts because he was so wild with desire, and he said: “do you know what I am doing Allie?” she said “yes, you are checking lumbs in my breasts.” “yes, that’s right” he replied. He then began to rub his hands up and down her body. he said to her “allie, do you know what I am doing now?” “yes,” she said, “you are checking me for any skin imperfections.” “thats right” he said. He finally lost all control and began to have intercourse with the woman. “Now do you know what I am doing Allie?” he asked, absolutely having the time of his life. “yes,” she said, “getting herpes which is why I came to see you.”
Author: admin
Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.” The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”
Ventriloquist laugh
A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: ‘G’day mate. Good looking dog… mind if l speak to him?’
Local: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid man.’
Ventriloquist: ‘Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?’
Dog: ‘Doin’ all right.’
Local: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist (pointing at local): ‘Is this man your owner?’
Dog: ‘Yep.’
Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’
Dog: ‘Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.’
Local: (Look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’
Local: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either… I think.’
Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’
Horse: ‘Cool.’
Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist (pointing at local): ‘Is this your owner?’
Horse: ‘Yep.’
Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’
Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.’
Local: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: �Mind if l talk to your sheep?’
Local: ‘The sheep’s a bloody liar!’
YOUR MUM
your mums so dumb she got raped by a door knob!
What do you get
what do you get if you cross a jeep with a dog?
a land rover
Constipation medicine
A man wakes up screaming one day, picks up the phone and calls his wife who knew he was constipated the day before. When she picks up the phone he gripes, “That god damn laxative said guaranteed to work by 8 a.m.!”His wife asks, “Well did it work?””Yes!” he screams. “But I didn’t wake up until 9!”
Blondes Top five Hobbies
10. Picking nose when no ones looking
9. scratching bottom
8. trying to figure out what they were thinking 3 seconds ago
7. trying to figure out how to spell their name
6. seeing what number they can count to
5. ” uh……….”
Yo Mama so stupid….
Yo mama so stupid she had to jump over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Crisco
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, “Crisco, Cris–co!” Finally a store clerk approached.”Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.” “Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.” “Your wife is named “Crisco?” “Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.” “Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?” “Lard ass.”
Chicken farmer
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
“Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.
Cunning Plan
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only a quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts!”
“No way, dude. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Blind in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, ‘Wow, these seats are big!’ The person next to him answered, ‘Everything is big in Texas.’ When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, ‘Wow these mugs are big!’ The bartender replied, ‘Everything is big in Texas.’ After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, ‘Second door to the right.’ The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, ‘Don’t flush, don’t flush!’