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Twas the Night Before Christmas

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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ”Elves”,
”Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called ”Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
”May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Fantastic Lover

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While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn’t concentrate. Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, “What happened? Did I hurt you?””No,” said his surprised wife.”Why do you ask?””No reason, really,” he replied with a sigh.”It was just for one moment there I thought you moved.”

Clairvoyant boy

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There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma.” The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, “God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.”

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words, “Goodbye Daddy.” He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, “What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.”

Ur F@#$

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A man is joggy around a lake and sees a woman crying. So he stops and asked whats wrong. The woman said I never been huged cuz I have no arms and legs. So the gives her a hug. The next day he sees the woman again and asked her why is she still crying she said cuz I never been kissed. So the man gives her a kiss. The very next day the woman is still there crying and he asked again whats wrong she said I never been fucked. So the man pick her up and throws her in the lake and said now your fuck.

Un matrimonio circulaba en su

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Un matrimonio circulaba en su veh�culo por la cordillera alpina sin decirse ni una palabra debido a una pelea que acababan de tener, y sin ninguna perspectiva de reconciliaci�n.

Mientras pasaban por una hacienda, donde hab�a varias mulas y cochinos, el esposo sarc�sticamente pregunt�:

“�Familiares tuyos…?”

“S�… mis suegros.”

What is Politics

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A kid goes to his dad and asks, “Dad, what are politics?”
His dad replies, ” Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am
capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The
government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby
brother will be the future, and the Nanny is the working class. Now think about
that.”

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his
diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the
bed. He didn’t want to wake her, so he went to the Nanny. The door was locked.
He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the Nanny. He went back to
bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, “Dad I know what you mean
now.”

“You do? Tell me.”

“OK, while Capitalism is screwing the Working class, the Government is sound
asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!”

Marriage Humor

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  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  • Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
  • Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  • Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
  • A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
  • Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Sweet 16 and never…

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, ”Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, ”It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, ”Well,I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months would be my guess.” The mother says, ”Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?” Darla says, ”No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!” The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, ”Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, ”No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Voodoo Dick

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Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who’s wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife’s faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

“Why yes, of course.” said the owner, “We have a very wide selection.”

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

“Well, maybe I have just what you need.” remarked the owner, “Wait here.”

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

“Wow, that pretty neat.” said the man, “But what’s so special about it?”

“This is the Voodoo dick.” remarked the owner, “Watch.” Then the owner commanded, “Voodoo dick, rise.”

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man’s face. “Voodoo dick, door.”

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, “Voodoo dick, box.”

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, “My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?”

“Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.”

“Well, I must have it. I’ll give you $200 for it.” demanded the man. “No, not for sale.” “$
500.” “No, I cannot.” “$
700.” “I am sorry.” “$
1000.” “Well, ok.”

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, “When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say ‘Voodoo dick, cunt’ and it will do the rest.” explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded ‘Voodoo dick, cunt’.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

“Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?” asked the officer.

“Well officer,” answered the wife, “I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.”

To which the officer responded, “Voodoo dick, my ass!”