Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.”Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”So the old man says, “I know! I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”
Author: admin
Big surprise
My daughter’s third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled “My Biggest Surprise.”
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina’s work. It read: “I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy’s bed and hopped in. But it wasn’t Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!”
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
“Can I touch it?”
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly
the little girl looked down at the boy.
“Can I touch it?”
“No way — you already broke yours off!”
En una zona militar un
En una zona militar un valiente soldado recibe un tiro en un brazo. Inmediatamente fue atendido por el doctor, el cual le dijo:
“Amigo tenemos que amputar el brazo.”
“�No!, entonces c�mo podre tirar.”
“No se preocupe, le podemos poner hacer un transplante que le servira igual que el brazo original.”
“Est� bien.”
“Hay un s�lo problema, el brazo es de mujer.”
“No importa si es que voy a estar bien.”
El soldado es operado y cuando despert� de la anestesia, ten�a su nuevo brazo que le qued� como si fuera suyo desde un principio. Por recomendaci�n del m�dico regres� a los quince d�as para un chequeo.
“�C�mo le va con el brazo?”
“Muy bien, s�lo un peque�o problema.”
“�Cu�l?”
“�Qu� cuando voy al ba�o a orinar no me quiere soltar!”
Sex Before Mass
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn’t want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.
Father, the young couple asked … “is it ok to have sex before Mass ?”
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection … “yes my children it’s ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don’t block the aisles…”
A Clock?
Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that’s not a clock, it’s a cock!
Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it’s a clock.
When Chelsea Clinton was young
When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”
Hiliary’s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts.”
Chelsea asked “Will I get breasts?”
“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.
A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked “What’s that?”
Bill responded “Oh honey, that’s my penis.”
Chelsea asked “Will I get a penis?”
Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves.”
Morality test
This test only has one question but it’s a very important one.
By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line.
You are in Florida.
Miami, to be exact.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper.
You’re caught in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to make a career out of shooting photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you.
Some are even disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all of its destructive fury.
You see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away with the debris.
You move closer . . somehow the woman looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is . . It’s Hillary Rodham Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under, forever.
You have two options:
You can save her, or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.
So, you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful women.
Here’s the question and please give an honest answer:
Would you select color film or would you rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Submitted by Zab
Edited by Curtis
Pickle slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
Bill said, ‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh Bill, you didn’t,’ she said.
‘Yes, I did,’ said Bill.
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh, she got fired too.’
Dash From Hospital
A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient. The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, “Miss Jones, I said ‘Prick his boil!”
Tonto Should Know…
Indian (ear to the ground): “Buffalo come.”
Cowboy: “How do you know?”
Indian: “Ear sticky.”
You’re hooked if…
It’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can’t call your mother. . She doesn’t have a modem.
11. You check you mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.
12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.