A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree’, sighed the pheasant, ‘but I haven’t got the energy’.’Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients’.The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Author: admin
A-hole
1.looks like she did one too many hits of acid. 2.is your gfother your grandfarther to? 3.did your mom get hit in the stomach when she was pregnant? 4.looks like his cheese slid off his cracker. 5.if i was a boxer i would be hitting those things. 6.see what haooens when you drink when your pregnant. 7.your a jit-bag! 9.someone told me you wre dead. 10.hey you left your crack pipe in the bathroom.
Q: How many Mensans
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. The dim bulbs aren’t “changed,” they are humanely euthanized.
Bill’s Dick
Q: What do you call the ugly, useless, smelly piece of flesh attached to
Bill Clinton’s dick?
A: Monica.
21 Blondes Gone
A blonde is driving down the road when she sees a brunette on the side of the road shaking her head and going “21! 21! 21!”. The blonde then gets out of her car and walks up to the brunette and goes “That looks like fun! Can I try?”. So she goes and stands by the brunette and starts shaking her head and going “21! 21! 21!”. Then the brunette says to the blonde, “You know, its probaly funner to do that in the middle of the road.”. So the blondes walks into the middle of the road and shakes her head and says 21. Then a car comes along and hits her and the blonde dies. The brunette then shakes her head and goes “22! 22! 22!”.
When you run out of
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.Your screen door has no screen.Your biggest ambition in live is to “git that big ole coon.
7 years after
two sisters with there family came frome Rassia to our cantry Ethiopia this year for the first time. me and the elder sister were talking about our difrenses when suddenly came the topic of calender. she was saying”how come your calender is 1997?” ” thats becase we were created 7 years after you” i joked her little sister interepted and sayed “is that becase you gays dont have a snow.”
Beer Troubleshooting
Beer Troubleshooting ********************SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
It’s out of my control.
It’s out of my control.
Redneck quickies 12
You might be a redneck if…
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dustin Hoffman!Dustin Hoffman
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dustin Hoffman!Dustin Hoffman who?Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!
Quotes on Politics
“I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let’s
wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there.”
– Craig Kilborn
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Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government Regulations on the Sale of Cabbage: 26,911 words
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