Author: admin

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”. She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?” The doctor said ”$300”She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan”

A guy got a sunburnt while at a nude beach.

Later, he found having sex to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, and inserted his dick in the glass.

His girlfriend came into the kitchen and said, “I’ve always wanted to know how men reload that thing.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

13. The Cult of Saint Pamela, “Our Lady of the Anatomical Enhancements”

12. X-TREME RELIGION!!!

11. The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist

10. Joe-piscopal

9. Star Trek – The Next Denomination

8. Leonardo DiCatholic

7. Branch Hansonians

6. Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel

5. Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4

4. Two words: Jesus Spice

3. Harry Caray-Ishna

2. Crystal Methodist

1. Hey Judaism

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Being an avid lawn nut, I refuse to permit weeds in my perfect lawn, and use herbicides each week. One night, a party guest was walking along the property line with my daughter. Seeing a sea of clover on my neighbour’s lawn, she noticed it came-up to my lawn and stopped. She asked my daughter why the clover didn’t cross-over onto my lawn.My daughter furrowed her brow, looked at the guest evenly and replied, “It wouldn’t dare !”