Q. What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
A. You let the pit bull finish.
Author: admin
“�C�mo que la leche tiene
“�C�mo que la leche tiene gusto raro, te la tomas!”
Madre de Pasteur.
“�Deja de gritar todo el d�a, te vas a quedar af�nico de por vida!”
Madre de Pl�cido Domingo.
“�Deja de jugar con esas maquinitas, as� nunca vas a salir de pobre!”
Madre de Bill Gates.
“�Otra vez al cine? �Busca oficio!”
Madre de Steven Spielberg.
“�Es la �ltima vez que me haces garabatos en las paredes!”
Madre de Picasso.
“�Apenas es un rasponcito, deja de chuparte el dedo!”
Madre de Dr�cula.
“D�jate de cuentos y rodeos, h�blame claro, sin f�bulas…”
Madre de Esopo.
“�Nene, ya d�jate de lavar tanto las manos, se te van a pelar!”
Madre de Poncio Pilatos.
“�Qu� relativo ni que ocho cuartos, si llegas tarde te ponen falta!”
Madre de Einstein.
Garbage?
A man visited a woman when her husband was at work. Unexpectedly the husband
came home earlier than usual. As the husband rang the bell, the lover panicked,
but the woman said calmly, “Don’t be nervous. Just dress and wait a minute.”
Then she picked up a garbage can from the kitchen, walked to the entrance,
opened the door and said, “Darling, before taking off your coat, would you
please carry out this garbage?” Before the husband returned, the lover had
dressed and left the apartment unnoticed. As he walked home, he thought, “What a
smart woman. My chicken of a wife would never come up with such an idea.”
He came to the door of his apartment, rang the bell, his wife appeared in the
doorway and said, “Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry
out this garbage?”
You can’t outtalk a man
You can’t outtalk a man who knows what he’s talking about.
What has eight legs and
What has eight legs and a black asshole?
The A-Team.
When I die…
When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Obscene caller
Hello darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”
“Listen Honey,” drawled the lady, “If you can hold it in one hand, I ain’t interested.”
$20 to clean suit
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
“Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this,” he says. His buddy replies, “Don’t worry about it. That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?”
“All right, I’ll try it.” So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. “Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!”
“No, no, honey,” he slurs back. “Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.” With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, “I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?” The man slurs back,
“He shit in my pants, too.”
Why did Clinton fire Joycelyn Elders?
Q: Why did Clinton fire Joycelyn Elders?
A: To beat off the GOP.
A: She wanted to do everything single-handedly.
A: He didn’t want America thinking that Slick Willie could be jerked around.
Smile
What not to say to your wife.
Smile for me, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Toys at Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat….
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
with each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Dearest” said Mom, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my wife just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded-
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Overheard in a bar
First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl