Author: admin

The Taxi Ride.

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A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on
the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look
friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could
scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really
your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last
25 years!

five balls

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one day a man walks into a bar and says he wants to make a bet.
the bartender knowing the man always loses a bet asks him what
he is betting on.the man tells him he is gonna bet that he has
three nuts. the bartender says well i am going to take your side
on this one. so the man stands up and says me and the bartender
bet 1000 dollars a piece that between the two of us we have five
balls. just then the bartender pulls out this .45 magnum and
says mother fucker you better have four.

Southwest Airlines Quotes

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!’ ‘Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.’ ‘As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses.’ ‘Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. Last one off the plane must clean it.’ ‘Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. At Southwest Airlines we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!’ ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’ ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.’ ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.’ ‘Thank you for flying with us today, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College

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14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.

12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until someone loses their ‘nads.

11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!

7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

5. Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as “acing Biology.”

and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College…

1. In a pinch, beer can be used as a milk substitute in your breakfast cereal.

Se encuentra Manolo en la

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Se encuentra Manolo en la cantina muy preocupado. Se acerca Venancio y le pregunta:

“�Qu� te ocurre, Manolo?”

“Fig�rate que se meti� un bandido a mi casa y se ha robado todo”.

“�No es posible, ya no se puede con la delincuencia!”

“Y eso no es lo peor, el muy desgraciado ha tomado a mi esposa, la Pilarica, y la ha violado”.

“�Pero qu� desgraciado…!”

“Pero eso no es lo peor, tambi�n agarr� a mis tres hijas: To�a, Maru y Pilariquita y tambi�n las ha violado”.

“�Pero que maldito, merece que lo fr�an en aceite!”

“Pero que eso no es lo peor, tambi�n me ha tomado a m� y me ha violado”.

“�No es posible, esto es la locura!”

“Pero eso no es lo peor…”

“��Pero qu� puede ser peor que eso, hombre?!”, le interrumpe.

“�Lo peor es que me ha gustado!”

Purple stuff

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There is a saying that states, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” I worked in an Emergency room in a large city hospital when, one evening, a young woman came in complaining of a “strange purple discharge”. One of our newest resident doctors had the privilege of trying to solve this perplexing gynocological problem. Totally baffled, he turned to the Attending Physician in charge for a consult. The old Doc looked at the woman’s chart and noticed that she had recently visited the local free clinic. He asked her why she was there, and she stated that the visit was to get birth control. He then asked, ” What kind of birth control did you get?” She said, “I got one of them diaphrams.” He then asked’ “Are you using contraceptive jelly with the diaphram?” “CONTRACEPTIVE jelly!” she yelled, “They never said it had to be CONTRACEPTIVE jelly!” True story.

Golf Lessons

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A married couple decided to take some golf lessons…

The husband went first. Now the husband was terrible at it! He
couldn’t even hit the ball! So, the golf instructor told him to
imagine tha he was holding onto his wifes breasts. The husband
swung the club…and lo and behold! He actually made a hole in
one!

Now it was the wife’s turn. She was just as bad as her husband.
So, the instructor told her to hold it as if she were holding
her husband’s penis. She swung the club…but the ball didn’t go
anywhere! The instructor tells her, “That’s fine ma’am but you
gotta take the club out of your mouth!”

Insurance Form Statements

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Insurance Form Statements…

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

Magnet?

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Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time…

“Class,” said he, “My name begins with the letter `M’ and I pick up things…. What am I?”

A little boy on the front row said, “You’re a mother!”

The following are only learned from college

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51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.53. Disney movies are more than just classics.54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.59. ATMs are the devil’s advocate.60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.