9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
Author: admin
Mom… Send Money
A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
“Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.” Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, “I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.”
“That’s $1020!” yelled Dad. “Are you crazy?”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!”
Free Sex at the Gas
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter.The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.”As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, “You know, I think that contest was rigged.” The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, “Naw, it’s on the up and up. My wife won twice last week.”
You may no longer be cool if…
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
- When jogging is something you do to your memory.
- Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
- Sex becomes “All that foolishness”.
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
- You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
- You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
- You don’t know how to operate a FAX machine.
- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Ha, the joke’s on you
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would
always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his
secret for being able to sneak in late.
“When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down,
take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she’s ever had, until she
has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to
bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn’t care what time I came home.”
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes
home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she’s ever had,
and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he’s
home so late.
“Hey, why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks.
“I was, but I came in to tell you that we’ve got to sleep on the couch
tonight, ’cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom.”
Don’t Mess with
Defense Attorney: “Would you please state your age to the court for the record.”Little Old Lady: “I am 86 years old.”Defense Attorney: “Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.”Little Old Lady: “There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.”Defense Attorney: “Did you know him?”Little Old Lady: “No, but he sure was friendly.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened after he sat down beside you?”Little Old Lady: “Well, he started to rub my thighs.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him?”Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t.”Defense Lawyer: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened?”Little Old Lady: “He started to rub my breasts.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him then?”Little Old Lady: “No”Defense Attorney: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn’t felt that good in years.”Defense Attorney: “What happened next?”Little Old Lady: “Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, “Take me young man”.Defense Attorney: “And did he take you?”Little Old Lady: “No. That’s when he yelled April Fool!.. And that’s when I shot him.”
How many men does it take to screw in a light…
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.
Pack of cards.
Little brother: Look, Sis, I’ve got a pack of cards.
Big sister: Big deal!
Whales
What did the whale spread on his toast?
Jellyfish!!!!!
Run Mr Taliban Song…
Sung to the tune of “Day-O” (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O…oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you’re hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA…
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam’s pissed, he ain’t no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
CUSTOMS INSPECTION
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment,
my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight
siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said,
“does all these children and this luggage belongs to you?”
“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”
The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons,
contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”
“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used
them by now.”
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
Odd Thoughts
– The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
alcohol content.
– Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody
listens to you.
– Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn’t have it
you won’t either.
– If women can have PMS then why can’t men have ESPN?
– There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead’s.
– Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of
consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
– Isn’t it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one
busted condom?!
– Midlife is when your realize you are so old you have to pay
some one to look at you naked.
– Middleage is when you choose your cerael for the fiber and not
the toy.
– Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a
relative.