Why do elephants have 4 feet?
-Because 4 inches isn’t enough.
Author: admin
When I Grow Up
I want to be rich when I grow up
With a manly and muscular figure.
I want to grow up to be Arnold,
Arnold Schwarzenneger.
I want to want muscleman movies
For two million dollars a day.
I’ll run through the streets with my shirt off
And blow all the bad guys away.
The evil will tremble with terror
Their knees will go wobbly and weak,
And the bullets they fire at my body
Will bounce off my manly physique.
Even the vilest villain
When launching an all-out attack
Will turn to a quivering coward
When I smile and say “I’ll be back”.
All women will swoon in the presence
Of the world’s most masculine man.
I’ll marry a gorgeous, rich heiress
Perhaps from the Kennedy clan.
And even if my health should falter
My wealth will grow bigger and bigger.
And that’s why I want to be Arnold,
Arnold Schwarzenneger.
Sleepwalker
A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.
“My husband,” she said, “always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.”
“Is that a problem?” asked the therapist.
“Well,” she said, “the problem is he walks in his sleep!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
En un velorio, un amigo
En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice:
“Lo siento se�ora, lo siento.”
La se�ora responde:
“No gracias, d�jelo acostadito nom�s.”
Titanic
What does a blode and the titanic have in common?You wonder how many men went down
Wrong Size
A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she’ll die, to which the man said-OK.
Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home -Ok said the man, and you may give her my silver-OK said he, you will also give her my jewelry-OK, said the man, and you will also give her my dresses, said the woman –
“This will not be possible”, answered the man -“you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10”.
Yo mamma
Yo mamma is so fat she gets her toenails painted at Earl Shibe.
Dildo Shop
A white woman walks into a sex toy store and asks the man how
much for dildos? He said, “$35 for a white and $35 for a black.”
She said, “I’ll take a black one since I never had one before.”
A black woman walks into the store and asks how much for dildos.
The man said, “$35 for a white and $35 for a black.” She said,
“I’ll take a white one I never had a white one before.”
Then a blonde walked in and asked how much for dildos. The man
said, “$35 for a white and $35 for a black.” And the blonde
asked, “How much for that plaid one?” The man said, “That’s a
special one. It costs $60.”
The owner of the store walks in a little later and asked how
business was going. The man said, “I sold a white dildo for $35,
a black dildo for $35 and your thermos for $60.”
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”, then the…
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
then the opposite of “progress” is “congress”.
Washington state attorney season
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier”
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Headphones
a blonde walks into a barber shop and says to the lady i want my hair cut please. O.K. sure. The lady starts to cut her hair and then says miss you must take off those headphones so i can cut your hair. The blonde goes just work around them please! So the lady says well i guess does about ten minutes and needs the headphones to be taken off so the blonde stuggles and finally takes them off and drops on the floor and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones and listened in and heard……. breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breath out.