Author: admin

Nuns At A Parochial School

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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in
a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just waits until
you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell
me what you has so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so excited, Father,” replied the nun, “it was
what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

Panda Bear

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that he’s innocent and, if he didn’t believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up “panda bear.” It says, ”Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.”

Signs you’ve been playing HALO to long

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Signs you’ve been playing HALO (for XBOX) too long.

-You call your friends by their character name instead of their real name.

-You can’t remember your friends’ real names.

-You believe that the Earth is one huge ring instead of a ball.

-You cansantly attempt to pistol-whip people.

-You begin to wonder where the needler and rocket launcher are on campus.

-You refer to your car as a warthog.

-You attempt to mount a gatling gun onto the back of your car.

Plane Crash

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An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down.

A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “Yeah.” When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.” The Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?” The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?” The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you.. you know…eat their…’things’??”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

Hot Dog

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Two college buddies wanted to go drinking one Saturday night.
Having only 50 cents between them they devised a plan to get
free drinks all night.

They went to a vendor at the corner and ordered a plain hot dog
no bun. One of the guys then placed the hotdog in the front of
his jeans. They proceeded to the first bar.

Not wanting to push their luck they kept the tab fairly low and
when the bartender asked for payment the two gentlemen looked at
each other and one guy opened his zipper and let the hotdog
protrude while the other got on his knees and placed his mouth
on it.

Disgusted with this scene the bartender threw the two out. This
went on for about 5 bars when one guy looked at the other and
said he was tired of getting on his knees, “Let me have the
hotdog in the next bar.”

The first guy shrugged the guy off and said, “Oh shoot, I got
rid of that thing 3 bars back….”

Beware of new virus

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Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.” Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Airline virus: You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Clinton at Hollywood

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Hollywood is right on the spot. A movie has been made about the Clinton
administration. It is rumored to be already completed. All that is left is to
figure out the title of the movie. Here are some candidates for the title:
* Citizen Stain
* Prince of Ties
* The Bad News Bares
* Dumb and Dumber Two
* Lady and the Tramp
* The Hoarse Whisperer
* Apackolies Now
* Dial M for Monica
* Willy Wonka and the Cigar Factory
* Saving Clinton’s Privates
* Easy Liar
* All the President’s Women
* The Lying King
* Free Willy
* President Dolittle
* Terms of Impeachment
* All’s Well That Ends
* The Wizard of Odds
* Hip, Hip, Beret
* Driving Miss Monica
* A Bra Too Far
* Tie Panic
* Independent Counsel Day
* The Six Commandments
* Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue
* Neither an Officer Nor A Gentleman
* The Full Monica
* President on a Hot Tin Roof
* Red Faced in October
* Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency
* The Me Lie Massacre
* Bedtime for Bubba.

Gabriel’s trumpet

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A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.””BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”